social casualty

2007-08-28T16:35:00.000+12:00

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I'm sooo glad I have Skillet singing this song...ohh, my heart trembles every single time I listen to it. I totally blame this song for crying in Abbey's wedding. TOTALLY.

makes me miss her - plus I heard Dashboard Confessional's "you have stolen my heart" song at the supermarket yesterday. gaww!

on another note...i've been thinking about "getting involved" with teenagers. maybe at church, maybe in some other way. time is what i consider precious (my love language) - so it is with my time that i need to be generous. why dont i just jump in and do something, anything? because i need to do it for the right reasons, not the selfish ones (like last time)...also, my definition of "it" may differ from God's definition...

2007-06-14T21:43:00.000+12:00

i've never been so excited about something sooo scary before...and i actually feel motivated to write about my honours dissertation again because of it...wow! i never thought i would be able to talk about biased responding on schizophrenia proneness questionnaires again...but now i'm doing a frickin presentation on it for a bunch of schizophrenia experts. at least it's not til august - whew!

Blaze the night, lift the stake
Cause your world is broken
Everything’s on the floor
Whenever the word is spoken
Lonely bed you’re awake
Falling asleep you’re hoping
Faith will come through the door
Open up cause there’s still time

If you closed your eyes
If you took a breath
When the knife is on the ground
If you feel erased
When He’s in this place
Then your life it will be found

You will fall to your knees
It’s a tragic sickness
Just a step to the grave
Walk to the other side
You’re a slave when you’re free
Cause the remedy says
You will never be saved
Open up cause there’s still time

Lights fall, it’s clear
Your words are here

-"Lights of Reedsport" by Falling Up

2007-05-26T11:07:00.000+12:00

it was totally disappointing that i didn't gain any superpowers on thursday. the nice man who injected me with the radioactive dye said i would have superpowers temporarily.

but he LIED.

boo.

all i got was this stupid bruise. at least he used my hand, cos when they use my arm, i totally look like a drug addict for the following week.

i still enjoyed being able to say i was radioactive tho. this thursday i get to be claustrophobic. i dont think i will enjoy it as much.

screw you, i dont need your help!

2007-05-16T18:34:00.000+12:00

yep...the title pretty much sums up how i feel right now.

i totally had to swallow my pride in order to ask for help. but the hoops and the strings...it's not worth it. i dont need help that much - or at all. remember when you told me to quit? i said "screw you, i'm not quitting" - and i made it. i dont deserve to be treated like it's my fault that i'm this way.

2007-05-07T19:46:00.000+12:00

what do you live for?
how can you walk around only thinking of yourself?
does your heart not break when you think of their suffering?
are you scared that when you are face-to-face with their suffering your weeping will overwhelm you?

i realized today, while sitting in a lecture about someone i used to be, that my past IS my past. how liberating it is to NOT feel those feelings when i think about who i used to be.

my future is going to be so radically different to my past - it's crazy. it's God.

2007-04-28T17:04:00.000+12:00

i feel torn about going to the uni's disability services. on the one hand, i feel like i have no right to cos i'm not dealing with something major like other people. but on the other hand, i'm sick of fighting these damn health issues and getting no help.

yeah, i look and sound fine. but you don't see me when i cry alone in the middle of the night, not being able to sleep because of pain. you don't see my embarrassment at reaping painful consequences for sleeping on my stomach, standing for 20mins, or carrying my little brother around the zoo.

how am i supposed to have faith that God will heal me after waiting more than 7yrs? when i don't even ask 'why' anymore; i simply ask 'what will it be next year'?

i hate myself for complaining. i hate that i have anger and frustration towards close friends/family who don't even pretend to understand the severity of my circumstance. even when i think people are unjustified in their complaining, i still try to show compassion and understanding. i at least pretend that their feelings are valid even when i think they are making a big deal outta nothing.

i may be making a big deal outta nothing...but when it comes to girls, it's about feelings, not facts.

the zoo

2007-04-28T09:56:00.000+12:00

as you may gather from the title, i went to the zoo. i have been planning to take my little bro to the zoo for like a year - waiting and waiting for the right time. and it finally came! he's a pro at walking now and curious about everything, so i knew he would really enjoy it.

so, last week i asked my dad if i could take MJ to the zoo. he hesitated, then asked Inese. she didn't skip a beat in responding that i wasn't experienced enough...at which point i quickly interrupted and said that Vicky would be going too...but no, even my sister is not experienced enough. we had to take the nanny with us. now, upon reflection once i got home and relayed the story to Lydia - i realized i wasn't offended at her telling me that i was not experienced enough...too true...but to say that my sister isn't is like saying Mary Poppins can't babysit or pull an umbrella outta her bag. come on now!

so, yes, we took the nanny with us. that was fine, and i know MJ had a lot of fun. but i KNOW she is gonna tell Inese how I almost let MJ touch the emu or how i almost let him roll into the bushes or how i kept laughing everytime he fell over...i cant help it! its not like he actually hurt himself!

at least i can make him laugh so hard he starts convulsing!!!

2007-04-13T12:25:00.000+12:00

doubt creeps in. i can even hear its whispers.
"what if i have it wrong?" the wind haunts as i drift off to sleep.
blind faith is easier to swallow than faith based on fact.
yet i will continue to challenge my faith,
that i may strengthen it.
history throws up its hands and sighs defeat...
it does not know. it cannot tell us.
scholars argue while children weep.
sceptics laugh while souls mourn.
the price of reason.
the price of intellect.
another voice whispers deep within,
"is it worth the cost?"
faith is free
doubt is death

heeheehee

2007-04-11T13:22:00.000+12:00

You Are the Middle Finger

A bit fragile and dependent on your friends, you're not nearly as hostile as you seem.
You are balanced, easy to get along with, and quite serious.
However, you can get angry and fed up with those around you. And you aren't afraid to show it!

You get along well with: The Index Finger

Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

wonderful and horrible

2007-03-27T18:43:00.000+12:00

why do I care so much about this disease? why this disease - one that I have no experience or contact with?

it feels wrong for me to be so fascinated and interested in such a horrible, heart-breaking condition. but i want to help so much...my heart breaks for them.

it was so wonderful, and yet so horrible to have an HIV-positive guy talk to us today. i wanted to smile because it made me so happy to finally be touching the edge of my dreams...but i wanted to cry because my dreams involve people who face more pain than I can imagine. who am I to try to help them?

frickin fracture

2007-03-15T09:50:00.000+13:00

ya know, it sucks having a fracture in your lower back. i feel like complaining. cos it sucks.

for so long i was told that i couldn't play b-ball anymore cos of it. ok. that's harsh enough. but all i did was go jogging 4 times...and the pain is back.

the pain that takes me back 6 years to all the tears and anger. all the heat and ice. the wounds that still have barely healed.

but thank God i found Chris. i love Chris. he is my new best friend. he said he can fix me...that he will fix me. i'll be able to run again. soon.

...cuz he's cute as hell

2007-01-25T14:10:00.000+13:00

2007-01-13T10:53:00.000+13:00

i promised to write more when i was feeling like it...well, i'm still not feeling like it but i will persist.

my trip thus far has been emotionally taxing. there has been drama, drama, and more drama. i guess these are the things i take for granted when living far away from my family. i had my first ever fight with my grandma the other night. it was nothing less than a horrible nightmare, except i couldnt escape it by waking up. who knew i would stand up for my dad like that? ok, everyone knows i would do that...but still, i think it shows (not how naive i am) but how far i have come in forgiving him. anyways, my aunt and cousin picked me up and took me to a crappy movie to cheer me up =) it worked, i was making fun of jamie foxx (yes, i paid money to see dreamgirls...shuddup) and drinking cherry coke instead of crying.

other than the family drama, it's been amazing to see how much all my cousins have grown up. i feel bad for staring at them - but my sister did it too, so they can just get over it. it's so funny to see how much some of them remind me of myself. high school is such a horrible time, i'm glad they're getting thru it better than vicky and i did!

seriously tho, it's been great just being around my family. there have been laughs along with the tears. and yes, i made my uncle show me his scar from giving birth to his 10-pound spline =)

how was texas? texas was everything i wanted/needed it to be. it was fun and relaxing...but not relaxing in the physical sense (cos we had to get up EARLY on occasion). it was relaxing cos it put my mind at ease to meet brett. i know i'm overprotective, you dont need to remind me.

texas was good for my friendship with abbey...and now she can understand lydia better when lydia complains about my annoying habits =)

2007-01-07T11:00:00.000+13:00

sooo, i visited texas, mett brett, and spent some good time with abbey and her family. in georgia with my mom's fam now. it's been full of drama, as usual. i have gotten some good shopping done already...although i've burned through my money and i still have quite a bit i still need to get. ooops!

as you can tell, i dont feel like writing details or stories. just wanted to let y'all know that i'm still alive!

happy birthday MJ

2006-12-24T12:46:00.000+13:00

the only thing you can do when you have a family like mine is LAUGH...

...that the russian mafia congregates at your father's apartment
...that the entertainment for your brother's FIRST birthday party is a pianist (who looks like the mob leader)
...that a russian wannabe model was posing scandalously in front of the christmas tree
...that said "model" popped out of her shirt (well, only one side...)
...that it cost $32 to park at father's place for 3hrs
...that the birthday cake looked like a rocket, was probably the most expensive cake i've ever eaten, and MJ wasn't even allowed to eat any

i laugh. but then i go home drained and exhausted from all the pretending. i'm not used to wearing a mask anymore. stuff with my dad and how he lives his life doesn't roll easily off my back...but i push it off. i put up with the crap cos MJ finally knows who i am. he likes me. he trusts me. he brings tears to my eyes.

WARNING: do NOT shave your legs when you have to pee

2006-12-22T11:13:00.000+13:00

...it hurts. with all the knicks i have up my legs, i feel like i'm 14 again, learning how to shave my bony legs. oooops.

graduation was really cool. stressful, busy week with packing and lots of driving - but makes me feel just a little more mature to have a degree =) even if the damn hood was pink...

i'm in two minds about the way i worried about getting into my postgrad health psych program (i got in, in case you dont know). i had been super confident about getting in, until the wake-up call at the itnerview when they told me it was really competitive. then i worried quite a bit. i think i did a terrible job of walking the fine line between trusting God and taking for granted the things He does for me. when i realized my mistake, i freaked out and worried - which was, again, not the best response. i'm still relatively new at this trust thing, so i guess it's not a surprise.

mmm...i laid awake last night prioritizing which cereals to get first when i'm in the US (this time next week!). i think i have it sorted:
1. Life (cinammon)
2. Lucky Charms
3. Corn Pops
4. Captain Crunch (berry)
5. Frosted cheerios

now that i see the list, i question it...ohh, it's just so difficult!!!

sigh

2006-12-08T14:52:00.000+13:00

i will blame...

my over-confidence (stemming from confidence in God? no, PRIDE)
and
my tendency to exhibit language impairments in interviews

...if i don't get accepted

"record number of applicants" is a scary phrase. CRAP.

2006-12-07T16:44:00.000+13:00

i dont understand why he has this obsession with me getting a 'regular' job. let's just say he's less than enthusiastic about me starting postgrad health psych next yr. he advocates me taking time off to work...at a dead-end job...why? obviously cos i would learn invaluable skills - like how to kiss-ass for 8hrs/day, or to talk while being trapped in a boredom induced trance, or to make change from a twenty. yes, these are skills that i apparently need. or something like that.

and, it pisses me off that he was "happy" about me getting first-class honours, but then immediately gave reasons why, in his day, it was SUPER hard to get first class honours cos only a certain percentage were awarded it. trying to belittle my achievement so he could save face - something to admire in him! it's just sad that his initial "good job" response surprised me.

it all makes me wonder if they (one or two nameless birds) are right...maybe he has a problem with me surpassing his university achievements. i did find this hard to believe - but now i wonder. it just doesnt make sense tho...why would he care when he's "successful"? maybe he worries that i will just stay in school for years upon years and wont become financially independent.

whatever the reason, it offends me that he has such little faith in me.

but it doesn't burden me. no no, i no longer carry burdens about my relationship with him. like he says, any problem i have with our relationship is MY problem...boy, i sure am glad i have a Saviour to take those problems and burdens off my shoulders! and i'm glad i've stopped seeking my his approval. it feels great to not feel his criticisms.

2006-10-21T21:04:00.000+13:00

Why am i blogging on a saturday night? cos i have no friends? cos i'm just saaad? no...well, maybe...but, no. i'm exhausted from my full day of study and was just sitting quietly doing the code-cracker...when i got stuck. and i hate when i get stuck. so here i am, my antisocial self, online passing time until i spontaneously figure out the word i cant get.

Thida told me that she gets to meet Abbey's Brett when she visits texas. now, i have mixed feelings about this...and i hope he doesnt randomly check abbey's friends' blogs - cos then i'm screwed. ok, here they are:
#1: that's not fair, i want to meet him too!
#2: well, at least one of us gets to meet him
#3: i would just make another bad impression anyways (oh yes, abbey made me talk to him...putting me on the phone, unprepared, with someone i've never met is EVIL! i can hardly converse with my closest friends on the phone! ah well, maybe it's best that he thinks i dont like him)
#4: but will thida be as brutally interrogative as i would?
#5: it's ok, i can teach her how to brutally interrogate him!

i still havent figured out the word. poo.

keep it simple

2006-10-18T13:38:00.000+13:00

in an attempt to...

in order to...

why are these not acceptable phrases? they are ones i use often...apparently they are redundant though. how depressing.

my grandparents keep calling me. i should really call them back tomorrow (time change). i always hesitate to call them because they want to know how i'm *really* doing and when i'm visiting. they dont believe me when i say i'm doing well - but they get upset if i tell them otherwise. they worry so much. too much. it makes me worry about them! i dont wanna call them until i can give them a guarantee that we're visiting after christmas (like, after we've bought the tix). grandma always goes on about how she wants to see me before her eyes completely crap out...it makes me so sad to hear her talk like that. it makes me so sad that my uncle (who lives 20mins away from them) has cancer and they dont even know yet cos no one wants to worry them more...

i'm glad that my mom and them are so close tho =) it's taken years, but finally! i used to think that my grandparents favoured my sister, that they loved her more. it was a hard time, i would get so anxious everytime we visited them. if anything, they just didnt like the fact that i was a daddy's girl (they dont like my dad...at all). but, now, there is no doubt in my mind that i am precious in their eyes. they have pics of all their grandchildren on the mantlepiece and shelves. my sister and i have the biggest pics, right in the middle. we're special =) aww!!! i can't wait to see them!!! grandma always had my favourite snacks (goldfish and plastic cheese) and made me my favourite dinners (her meatloaf kicks ass!). and grandpa would buy me beer =) oooh, this will be my first visit to the US as a legal drinker...so many beers i wanna try!

silly abbey invited my mom to visit texas with me...i dont think she realizes what it would mean if (when) my mom comes too. hehe, it would be funny tho. actually, the prospect of letting someone new into my family is scary. i have let very few ppl (4 to be exact) see the inner-workings of my crazy familia. and only ever one at a time! it's a HUGE trust thing for me...the idea of a close friend rejecting my family (by thinking or saying something negative) scares the shit outta me.

ok. that is all you get for now.

2006-10-10T14:45:00.001+13:00

I'm really fed up with the comments a *certain person* makes toward my sister. If I weren't a christian...GRRR!!!

Why would you say such horrible things to a beautiful woman with the most loving heart? Do you even understand how you insult her? How she turns the other cheek EVERY time she sees you? How I want to rip your eyes out because of the pain you cause her?

My sister pretends the words don't hurt...and I hope they don't...but, if it were me, I would cry and ask WHY is *this person* allowed to be so mean? I would want someone to stand up for me...to tell 'em to back the hell off...

...there's a reason these comments are NEVER said in MY presence...everyone knows I'll stand up and scream - most likely even throw a few expensive vases (which would be SO fun)...

Well, you think you're weakening my sister - but you're not. You're making us both stronger. You're helping me distance myself so I can heal. You're allowing us to see what we're NOT missing.

too bad someone else is too blind to see it as well

2006-10-10T14:45:00.000+13:00

2006-10-05T15:17:00.000+13:00

two things have been rolling around in my head this week...

1. i'm sick of science

2. given previous statement, what should i do next year? clinical psych? health psych? or something more my style - but what?

i'm not creative or artistic. i'm not concise or factual. i'm wordy and abstract. i like to challenge myself with philosophy, not physics. i understand the value of science - but i disagree with its assumption that humans can find the answers and explanations for everything. i need room for the unexplainable (even though this causes great internal stress for me)...i need room for the answer and explanation to simply be God.

it's over

2006-09-29T11:07:00.000+12:00

yes, it's over...the dirty diss is in - YAY!!! i'm happy with what i wrote and how much effort i put into it. for me, i spent tons of time on it and worked hard...of course, it's really hard for me to admit that in case i don't do as well as i hope. the underachiever in me fears failure - it's scary when i actually work hard, cos what if it's not enough? but i think i'm beating the battle against my underachieving self. how hard i work, the grades i get, it's not for my glory - it's for His. that's what i kept reminding myself the last couple weeks.

on another note, i'm dealing with a huge difference of opinion with one of my lecturers...it's to the point where i need to stand up for myself. well, not just for myself really. the worry in such situations is that i wont be able to control my emotions (i tend to get kinda passionate sometimes...), but i'm trusting that God will take care of that for me =)

my brain hurts

2006-09-14T16:41:00.000+12:00

I've hit such a wall with my dissertation...that's due in 13 days, by the way...that i have to vent - thus, the blogging.

but this will be short. i'm here to say ONE thing...

what the hell was i ever thinking?!?! i could NEVER do a PhD - i would kill someone!!! research is NOT my cup of tea...maybe this is part of the "building character" crap that adults always talk to me about. research is my weak spot, stats is my no-go zone...maybe it's all a huge joke on me that i have to do research in order to be a clinical psychologist (a profession where research is only done by the NERDS). why dont doctors have to do this crap then?!? HUH?!?!

ok. i think i got that out of my system . now back to crying in a corner next to my dissertation...

2006-05-05T21:44:00.000+12:00

every daily decision i make either builds up or tears down my life purpose.
every second spent with or apart from my Father determines whether I will walk or stumble through the next mountain retreat.
every tear leads to more love.
every mistake leads to more grace.
every healing humbles me to my knees.

yes, it's been a looong time, my dear blog. i'm sorry i've left you desolate. my words have been lacking nourishment and sustenance. my mind has been trapped in a feeble body of flesh, my heart detached and hidden in my pocket. oh blog, i wish i could pour out all my soul - that my thoughts would flood this place.

but, i remain closed. only few may enter this place - for now.

P.S. my sister is engaged! oh, the joyful tears!!! i'm so blessed that I'll have such an awesome older brother =)

2006-03-24T16:18:00.000+12:00

i'm just totally drained from the last few days...as much as i enjoy reflecting on how much God has saved me, healed me, and blessed me - it is just downright draining to give your full-on testimony two nights in a row.

i'm glad i did it though...cos it's not about me, it's all for His glory.

2006-03-23T16:18:00.000+12:00

You Are 23 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

2006-03-15T14:36:00.000+13:00

“I will make you…I will build you up again…” (Jer. 31:3-4; Isa. 26:3-4)

Though I have been broken, and taken apart piece by piece – the Lord will make me, He will build me up again.

I keep suppressing the feelings, ignoring the pain. I don’t want to process all that’s happened, all the reality that my denial can no longer protect me from. But even the walls of my heart are not strong enough to hold the tears inside. The heart-wrenching tears flow freely whenever my God wants them to…

“If not for the storm, the eagle might have remained in the valley”

a LITTLE release...

2006-03-06T10:53:00.000+13:00

well, i havent had much to write about lately. the only "events" in my life lately have been rather horrible - not anything anyone wants to read about

what the hell...here goes anyway...

went to my dad's wedding the other week, in queenstown. it was - umm - an experience? unfortunately, it will not be forgotten any time soon. but, hey, at least no one can ever throw it in my face that i didnt go. i was there, i was respectful, i "behaved myself", i didnt mock the russians (to their faces), i didnt throw food or shout obscenities...what else do you people want from me?!?!

i was actually pretty damn mature. kinda what overwhelming pain does to you - stuns you into shock or into a total blubbering idiot. yes, i was the only one crying at the wedding. NO, wait! my brother cried too! haha!

ok, so there...i talked about it. now i dont have to EVER AGAIN...right?!?!

Lydia and MJ

2006-02-21T22:29:00.000+13:00

Lydia and MJ, originally uploaded by Lyds'84.

Vicky and MJ

2006-02-21T22:28:00.000+13:00

Vicky and MJ, originally uploaded by Lyds'84.

MJ stands for Mark Junior...in case you hadnt figured that out. it's what we (as in my sister, me, and anyone who truly loves us) are calling our brother =)

Me and MJ

2006-02-21T22:27:00.000+13:00

Me and MJ, originally uploaded by Lyds'84.

PLEASE ignore the double chin...there were stressful circumstances that prevented me from getting properly prepared for the picture!

learn to yearn

2006-01-30T22:36:00.000+13:00

i want to yearn...

i yearn for You...

the refreshing dew of the Holy Spirit cannot be received amidst wind or rain. only quietness and stillness can bring the dew.

"Drop Your still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease:
Take from our souls the strain and stress;
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace."

one of my biggest fears is to be in the world where only thoughts of the mind are heard and only feelings of the heart are felt. i'm ok with the distractions, the daily mental stimulation (of any size) that drowns out the voices. oh, the voices that i hear when i'm still and quiet - they scare me. their words are clear. they cut right to the pain. words that break my wall of defense - and release my captive feelings. fear of the unknown. fear of the thoughts. fear of the feelings.

fear that if i let the voices speak and the feelings resonate...that they will never be drowned out again...that God won't be one of the voices or part of the feelings...that He won't fill the emptiness of despair...

2006-01-27T19:17:00.000+13:00

dunno if anyone has noticed - i put a family guy quotes box on the right side of my blog. i found it when i was looking around family guy webpages (as you do when you're bored but pretending to be busy so your mom doesnt yell at you for not helping). its really cool, cos the quotes change everytime you refresh the page...so now i come to my blog and keep refreshing it so i can read tons of different quotes...it entertains me...and shows how sad i am. ohh. anyways, some of the quotes are quite crude - so just ignore those ones =)

maaan, it's only friday night. ugh. the last 2 days have gone soooo sloooowly! maybe it's something to do with actually doing work. i mean, usually days pass by at a certain rate for me. but sometimes (very rarely), days pass by slower than usual. yes, these rare occasions are when i am - wait for it - productive. i know. its a scary word for me too. i avoid words like "productive" and "work" like the plague - but sometimes they corner me and i am forced into their slow time continuum that involves boredom and back pain.

i just get too damn cranky if i dont get my nap!

and i'm home again...

2006-01-25T21:01:00.000+13:00

yes, i'm back in auckland. why? to help with the house move...ohhh myyyy goooosh. i've been here half a day and i'm ready to go back to my flat. why? to get away from the madness! boxes everywhere...stress everywhere...AHH!!!

somehow moving was easier when i was younger. all i had to do was stay out of the way...how things have changed...now its more like i hide. hm.

on a brighter note, i just sold our coffee machine to one of the mover guys and his wife =) woo! i got maaad milk frothing skills baby! plus, they were a cute couple and they got a good deal =)

its actually sunny in dunedin today!

2006-01-20T13:46:00.000+13:00

i hate dial-up...but it's what we have at the flat...and we all know i wont be walking to uni just to use the comp. haha. like anyone would even believe me if i did!

seriously, the only time i spend on the internet nowadays is looking for a job...shut up! i'm *really* gonna get a job. stop laughing! Lyds helped with my CV and everything. i actually had an interview yesterday, but really the woman just talked for 45mins about what i would have to do...so basically, the job is mine if i want it. now all i have to figure out is IF i want it...

yeah, i know i shouldnt be picky about a casual job - but, hey, there are always things to consider when making such decisions.

so, what have i been up to in dunedin? well, other than looking for a job (heh, it even makes me laugh!), i havent been doing much =) the flat was a tip when Lyds and i got down here...not too happy bout that...we had lots of cleaning to do. of course, she did most of it while i slept...dont judge me! i drove the entire country by myself! ohh, wait, she drove 40mins for me when my eyes wouldnt even stay open. hehe. ohhh, we had fun renting 10 movies for $10 - go blockbuster! and we went and saw chicken little - it was sooo cute, i really liked it =)

man...i'm reduced to talking about renting movies...well, it IS dunedin - the weather doesnt really permit too much "summer fun". my pasty ass dont like summer fun much anyhow, cos i gots to stay outta da sun and all...

i'm pissed off at NZ healthcare at the moment. grrr...poor Troy =(

dont touch his face!

2006-01-03T14:11:00.000+13:00

sooo my sister and i were playing this cute game with my bro. she was holding him and swinging him toward me and i would kiss him on the nose. he was really enjoying it, his gorgeous eyes were fixated on me - he even puckered his lips a couple times =)

but...then it came...

Inese: "dont touch his face!"
me and sis: "what?"
Inese: "no one can touch his face. only mama and papa touch his face"
me and sis: (looks of bewilderment and hints of intrigue)
dad: "Inese doesnt want anyone touching his face cos of his spots"
sis: "Em was only kissing his nose...there arent any spots on his nose..."
Inese: "no touching his face. he doesnt like it"

ok then. thats not weird or anything. quite normal not to trust your baby's siblings...i guess i shouldnt take it personally - but still. what the f?!?!

i wasnt very surprised we were reprimanded, however, considering i got yelled at TWICE last week for touching him while he was sleeping. "DONT WAKE HIM UP!" yes...i AM *that* evil - i must be stopped from shaking my baby brother awake cos i want to make him cry and scream...

in the car on the way home:
sis: "Emma, when i have a baby, you can touch his face ALL you want. i promise!"

my sister has been an unbelievable source of strength...and a huge calming influence =)

2005-12-30T00:35:00.000+13:00

my baby brother

i have SUPER HOT friends =)

2005-12-30T00:07:00.000+13:00

theredglassesjpg.jpg, originally uploaded by abigailsday.

DAMN!!! totally SEXY!!!

my CUTE abbey

2005-12-30T00:01:00.000+13:00

wavetosam, originally uploaded by abigailsday.

i know, i know...this pic was a wave to sam. but i dont care!

a poser, a rebel, n a beautiful smile!

2005-12-29T23:52:00.000+13:00

In_Pisa, originally uploaded by abigailsday.

so i went thru abbey's flickr pics...and have stolen some =)

what is up with the detail on my tongue? gross...

continuous conversion

2005-12-28T11:54:00.000+13:00

there are areas of me that I call strengths, but God calls them stubborn weaknesses. pride and self-will dominate places of my heart, but my King wears the crown and should rule every inch of me. instead of crying streams of self-pity, i want to drink joy from the fountain of the Spirit that flows within me

6 days old

2005-12-26T22:23:00.000+13:00

my sister, dad, and I took my baby brother on his very first walk outside today...of course, it was only a walk around the wharf, but still...we got to push his pram (or whatever the hell you wanna call it), so that was cool. he was actually awake while we visited this time as well, so very cool. he doesnt really do much...cant really blame him, he's only 6 days old...but he makes funny faces that make me laugh =) and when he sneezes, he's sooo cute i almost cry!

yep, i love my brother. no, he has not official name yet...they're trying to name him mark, after my dad...but my sister and i CANNOT bring ourselves to call him that. soo, i casually mention that he looks mroe like a samuel or a christopher. for goodness sakes, i even offered to give them the name joshua! yeah, i know, we could just call him by his middle name - but no...they are thinking of making his middle name christian - which is the name my sister and troy have their hearts absolutely set on for their first boy...its all very controversial...

ahh, if only my brother's parents (ohh, one of those is my parent as well...) had devices that could store information for periods of time...ya know, some kind of storage space to house the many times my sister pleaded with them not to take the name christian and how we voted mark as one of the NO names...i dunno, the device could be called something like - umm - a MEMORY...yes, thats it. and perhaps it could be placed in the hippocampus, or amygdala, or even both!

boy (literally), who knew such a trivial matter as a name could be so consuming...i guess its cos its more than just a name, to me anyways...well, its actually the adverse physiological reaction to the name mark that's the issue. funny how my sister has the same allergy-like reaction. huh.

ohh yeah, it came out in conversation today that they will probably have another kid at some stage. ok then. man (literally again), i can only imagine what it would be like if my dad had been playing the back nine when i was born...nature would have reduced my chances of having a good role model...huh, i guess nature and work have the same wonderful results. fancy that.

now, cant you tell that i've been working hard on being respectful?!?!

Joyful Christmas

2005-12-25T10:34:00.000+13:00

it really comforts me that Christmas is NOT about family.

american media makes holidays all about family, but christmas and easter arent about family - they're about Jesus. i shouldnt feel crappy cos my family is disjointed and screwed up, it doesnt matter today. today, all that matters is that Jesus Christ came to earth to sacrifice Himself for us, for ME.

for me, for today, its ok that i dont feel apart of my dad's new family. its ok that i sometimes feel overwhelmed by grief, loss, and pain. its ok - because I have my Saviour. God's grace is more than sufficient for me. God's love is more than enough for me. I dont actually need my dad. I ONLY need my Father. He is everything to me.

today, I am utterly thankful that His Son came and died - that He came and rescued me.

today, I take joy in my King.

6:08pm

2005-12-21T17:19:00.000+13:00

...that is the time that my new baby brother was born yesterday. he weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces (or 3.71 kgs). he has lips like mine and a cuuute button nose like my sister. he has veeery little hair, but wat he does have is snowy-blonde (according to Lyds)...

no he has no name yet...but he already has an unbelievably deep place in my heart. i never knew it was possible to love someone soo much the instant you meet them. the only response to the sight of my beautiful brother was the most sincere human display of love possible - tears.

yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life...but it was also one of the best...

today...

2005-12-20T12:27:00.000+13:00

...is the day

dunks galore...ahh...

2005-12-09T17:22:00.000+13:00

last night was unbelievably awesome. I had SUCH fun. I havent had fun in forever. I forgot about all the shit in my life, i just enjoyed the amazing bball. i soaked in the up-tempo, adrenaline surging, ball fanatic atmosphere that i've so dearly missed. it made me remember the GOOD days from playing ball...ahh, the good 'ole days...so long ago, but never forgotten.

it's a damn shame they only come once a year...well, that and the fact that the NBA is thousands of miles away!

YAAAY!!!

2005-12-08T17:16:00.000+13:00

I'm sooo excited about the AND1 basketball game tonight!!! its been waaay too long since i've been to a game (that i wasnt playing in). and i've never been to a street ball game either - woo! i've schooled myself on the players and their court "names". the only white guy is "the professor". reminds me of my jason williams...ohh jason...you can watch interviews with jason at and1.com - gotta love his slooow, hick voice. i'm so glad jason is playing with shaq and wade in miami now...i was sooo pissed off when he was traded to memphis - how dare they allow jwill to be on a losing team! he's a winner, baby =)

i know probably everyone that reads my blog has NO clue who JWill is...your loss, man. he's an AWESOME basketball player - and he's really hot...i remember when my friend Anita and I had an obsession with him. i'm still mad that he was already on the team bus when we met the rest of his team! and i dont care what anyone says - CWebb is awesome...not least cos he caught me when i tripped over the chair and saved me from falling flat on my face...he was nice, definately not one of the asshole players who ignore you! in my mind, Jason would have been even nicer...if only he hadnt gone straight to the bus...

the TRUTH about Jesus sets us FREE

2005-12-07T15:48:00.000+13:00

"The world has been irreparably changed by Jesus Christ. When preached purely, His word exalts, frightens, shocks, and forces us to reassess our whole life if we are sincere. The gospel breaks our train of thought, shatters our comfortable piety, cracks open our capsuled truths...In entering human history, God has shattered all previous conceptions of who God is and what man is supposed to be...The life He has planned for Christians is a Christian life, much like the life He lived. He was not poor that we might be rich. He was not mocked that we might be honored..."

Who are we to expect even the least that Jesus endured? the more the world throws at me, the more I cry out praises to my King...

narcoleptic luke

2005-12-05T18:42:00.000+13:00

...is the new name i have for my boo boo bear. its cos he falls asleep sitting up when he's in my truck. he loooves going in the car, but he doesnt look out the window all excitedly like grace - oh no, he sits staring at me...and slowly his eyes close...then open when we turn or hit a speed bump or something...then his eyes close slowly again. its sooo cute, and really funny.

i'm reading thomas merton's The Seven Storey Mountain...at first i was against the idea of "an autobiography of faith" - it seems so pretentious, i'm not actually sure if i can explain why so i wont even try. anywaaays, i've always read such awesome quotes and such from the guy, so i decided to give it a go. i've hardly started reading it, but i'm totally intrigued by him and his story now. i think its gonna be really good.

the peace of the Lord calms all fears

2005-12-02T01:09:00.000+13:00

Romans 15:13 - "the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing"

kairos - when God breaks in...when He breaks through all your defense mechanisms, all your walls of superificiality and pride...when He gets to the REAL you, and touches your flaws and wounds

i have a problem with trust. i will rip thru your defenses. i will reach your pain and sorrow. i will love you unconditionally. how? by sharing all my pain and sorrow with you. thats how i build trust - thru deep, raw emotions. i will show you my wounds so you will trust me with yours...i do it out of love. i do it because i know my wounds are there to share, to praise the glory of God's strength and power. so we trust eachother and love eachother with a Christ-like love. but then it starts to become apparent that my sharing is limited...i share the real shit, but i wont share the little nagging pains - the daily hurts and burdens that i struggle with. they dont matter to anyone other than me, right? right - so no point in wasting anyone's time. i can admit that i struggle with low self-esteem and anger...but i wont tell you how that affects my daily life (unless i punch a brick wall or something). i dont tell you when i cry myself to sleep. i dont tell you when i skip meals because i'm in my room hiding from the world. why? because i dont trust you to accept me for who i truly am. i dont trust you not to reject me. it seems like such an oxymoron to trust people with the big shit but not the small crap...on the other hand, maybe the small crap isnt actually small crap. maybe its big shit disguised as small crap...insecurities arent always logical

arrested development

2005-11-30T22:13:00.000+13:00

i have contemplated just deleting my blog cos i dont seem to find anything to write about anymore. when i was at uni this year, i hardly wrote cos i didnt have the time or energy to sit in front of the computer typing (no, not even for assignments...). but now that i'm home, i have all the time in the world - yet, i still dont write. why? because i have nothing to write about? because i cant twist a seemingly insignificant event into something hilariously important? or, because everything in my life right now is too...well...private...for me to share. i guess there's really nothing i can do about that. it's a wall that cuts me off from the world...and i cant tear it down - or even climb over it as i usually do. actually, there are multiple walls, but whatever.

i've been learning about trust and justice this past week...well, mostly the lack of such attributes in today's society is what i've learned about...makes me remember two things: 1) the only one we can always completely trust is Jesus; 2) the only one who is perfectly just, and carries out that perfect justice, is God.

oh, the title...i just finished season 1 of arrested development. it made me happy, it made me laugh. good times...really makes me want to get my sister season 2 for christmas...shhh...

snap...snap...SNAPPLE!

2005-11-23T10:23:00.000+13:00

i was sooo happy yesterday when i found SNAPPLE drinks in an asian fruit and vege store...it totally made my day! mmm...

so i'm home now...got up to auckland on sunday and spent the night at my dad's place, then quickly secured my place at home once more. staying with my dad and his fiance was, well, ok. i wont elaborate on that ok. she actually redeemed herself a LITTLE bit (i stress little!) - my dad told me to say thank you for being allowed to stay (what the?!?!), but she was all "no, emma doesnt have to say thank you". of course, i said thank you...through my clenched jaw...

my all-time record: only ONE sarcastic comment about her - AND it was even out of her ear-shot! unfortunately, i said it to my dad...he wasnt very happy bout that. i cant help it though! really good ones just come to me when i see her...its not my fault!

anyways...things at home are pretty good. although, i fell down like 3 stairs yesterday and landed awkwardly on my foot - and now it really hurts. my mom's first question was "did grace push you?"...hehe, i wish - would make me look less clumsy!

ohh, grades went well. flippin uni took forever to post my grades (and i'm still waiting on one), but i was sooo relieved when they finally did. a big HAHA to all those psych hons students who studied more than me - SUCKERS!!! ok...my rant is over...humility...humility...OHH!!! but guess who got FIRST class honors on her dissertation - yeah, thats right - LYDS!!! she got a frickin A on her diss...WOO WOO!!! sooo very proud of her =)

of course, what would a post on november 22 (well, in da US of A) be without a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABBEY!!! hope my present gets there soon babe!

the lies...

2005-11-01T21:54:00.000+13:00

Do you believe the lies they tell you?
Do you fear that your innermost insecurities will turn out to be true?
I see, I know…the lies, they burn like fire around the walls of your heart. The walls? You built them to keep the lies out – but the lies find ways to get in…yes, they always find a way in…
The time you were naïve,
Or the time you actually trusted someone.
They were mistakes…they let the lies get in – like a flood.

Who do you believe?
Do unknown voices have authority?
Can a single lie make you lose your battle with truth?

Who makes the choices?
Do faceless shadows decide your fate?
Can a single lie pull you from the arms of truth?

couple of crappy exams left...

2005-10-28T13:48:00.000+13:00

in the midst of studying, I take frequent breaks…the norm – I just stand (or sit) in my lounge, looking out the window, and drift into an alternate world. my consciousness wanes, my reasoning drifts away…and I’m left with raw thoughts of nothingness.

I wont bother translating…this all means absolutely nothing to anyone that is not me.

I’ve enjoyed the peace and relaxation that comes with exam time (I bet ya cant tell whether I’m being sarcastic or serious – ha!). one of the perks? I get to justify “cat” naps – ok, they’re actually huge ass lion naps, but what the hay. another advantage of hardout study – the overall decrease in degree of “hassling” that I incur from others (no, this does *not* coincide with a decline in amount of hassling on my part – it’s my only release of anger damnit!).

however, tempers have been shorter than a box of burning matches and moods have gone back and forth like a ping pong ball in a Chinese table tennis tournament. thats what exams and only female hormones does to a place…or, to me anyway…(no one else has really displayed such hyperbole-like characteristics)

(my original, slightly explicit simile was: tempers have been shorter than a catholic teenager’s school skirt and moods have swung around the town like a cheap hooker on a crack bender – but I decided to keep it clean…although you can interchange the terms ‘catholic teenager’ and ‘cheap hooker’ at your own discretion)

yes, I *will* write slightly racy comments on my blog – especially when I haven’t posted for a while

in the interim between now and when I write again, go do something punk.

A guy walks up to me and asks “whats punk?” So I kick over a garbage can and say “that’s punk.” So he kicks over the garbage can and says “that’s punk?” And I say “no, that’s trendy!”

2005-10-08T16:50:00.000+13:00

every once in a while i climb out of my self-contained world and venture into blogland...

things have been really busy lately. i just handed in my last assignment yesterday!!! it was actually a day late, but the secretary stamped it with thursday's date so i dont get marked off =) dont ya just love the theology department!?! ohhh yeah! ugh, though - exams start in less than 2 weeks and i am yet to study...i dont believe Mike Colombo when he says 3 weeks to study for his exam isnt enough...i'll show him! i'll do well with a week of study! let's face it, even tho i have almost 2 weeks, i will only spend half that time actually studying...my procrastination routine takes up a lot of time =)

ahh, i cant wait til exams are over and i can just sleep all day and read my books...well, i mean, sleep all day and read my books WITHOUT feeling at all guilty. somehow its just not the same when you have someone else in the same room as you when you're sleeping but they're working hard on their dissertation...it causes me much distress! poor me...heh

ohh, my mom is down for the weekend. yes, my dad was here last week for one day - and my mom shows him up by giving me a whole weekend =) and a new car! so, if you were planning on bidding on my car on trademe - its no longer there! it only took 3hours to strike a deal with the dealership today to trade in my car for a truck...yes, if you think i'm a hard-ass - meet my mother. it was amazing. horribly long and painful, but awe-inspiring nonetheless! and never fear - my BOOBOO plates are being moved to my truck =) couldnt let those go! i'll have to get a new pic of me and boo boo and BOOBOO when i go home...

what else? oh, gilmore girls...season 4 has sucked us in...and I like it! longer periods of escapism than an episode of friends offers. woo =) ya know what else has sucked us in? the game settlers of catan - its wonderful! i actually enjoy playing EVEN when i DONT win! I KNOW! oooh, now i wanna play it...damn...

I will never...

2005-09-21T10:37:00.000+12:00

...let go of my convictions

I know i've been mocked and laughed at. I know i've now been labelled as "the conservative bitch"

but i dont give a shit

at least i got my beliefs and i stand by them. it makes me able to go to sleep at night WITHOUT pains of guilt or shame for being weak in the face of controversy.

it hasnt been easy. i've shed many tears the past week. i've felt like a judged and worthless outcast. but i was able to get thru it cos i could actually feel Jesus standing right next to me.

Self-righteous bullshit

2005-09-05T18:45:00.000+12:00

Compassion - no, not everyone feels it. It does not reach the depths of all hearts, but surely you are not alone…there are more who feel the loss – who know the pain.

in this far corner of the world, a false utopia lies. Blind to the ugly. Deaf to the cries. Senseless to the horror. Wrapped in their own blankets of superficiality, their cold embraces send chills to your heart. Tears only meet their eyes for their own pain. They know not the retching pain of crying for another – of weeping for a generation lost or a country besieged.

How sad it is to know that one could find more compassion and warmth in one AA meeting than in all of this place…the false love – all in the name of ministry…ministry to oneself is no ministry at all…

Its called self-righteous bullshit…it’s about celebrating oneself in the midst of tragedy. It’s about exalting oneself at the cost of others. It’s about walking over others cos you’re too distracted looking at yourself in the mirror you carry around in your hand…

I give in to this self-righteous bullshit a lot – I admit it. I stand up against the selfishness inside myself – I point the finger of truth inwards at the dark parts of my soul. I let the light in…and from this place, I learn a little about compassion for others…how about you?

Nah…didn’t think so…

why am i urged to write a post after all this time of nothingness?

2005-09-02T00:36:00.000+12:00

boredom...or rather, insomnia.

i've learned to stop trying to predict life...where's the excitement in having a "safe, secure" future? where's the trust in God? where's the joy when you reach a goal you didnt even know you had?

why get a gold medal? why do you want to stand on the pedestal? to be closer to God, closer to heaven? or to feel more like a god?

those high bars you jumped over...those races you sprinted through...why? how much satisfaction do you get in jumping over everyone else? how much joy do you take in running past the important things cos you're too focused on your finish line?

although an avid follower of self-reflection, i have shied away from sharing my reflections in a public forum - as completely obvious by the severe lack of posts. thus, i pose the previous questions. rhetorical or not - your choice. just dont ever cruise through life thinking you have it all sorted...cos no one does. everyone is broken and needy...the love that heals all wounds only comes from one source. seek Him, not your own dreams of power, glory, and money. be real with yourself.

its been FOREVER...

2005-07-22T09:29:00.000+12:00

i just havent had things to bog about!

ok...nevermind...i'm just SUPER slack. my procrastinatin, lazy ass-ness has spread from the academic part of my life to ALL parts of my life. this is NOT a good thing. i'm starting to fight it. this IS a good thing.

so i dont think many of you knew that i managed to almost give myself a concussion like a week and a half ago...it was monday, the last day i was in Auckland - i hit my head REALLY hard on the car door when getting in...dont ask HOW i hit my head THAT hard on a car door...lets just put it down to BLONDENESS. yes. anyways, came down to Dunedin the next day - and couldnt do anything but sleep (which was wonderful), but it was actually horrible. i HATE achey headaches. well, i hate ALL headaches, but i'm used to certain types...not used to achey, bruised ones - no, i dont know how a headache can be "bruised"...my vocabulary skills are severely lacking these days...anyways, Lyds ended up taking me to the after-hours doctor and the doc told me to do nothing, just to sleep for like 4 days - WOO!!! thats my kind of lifestyle! hehe :)

i'm very much healed now. thank you for asking.

ohh, the NEW FLAT!!! its going great, i'm very pleased with the move :) i'm sure people will still think i live at royal terrace tho...psshhh...

omg, i havent done a recap of my trip to Italy...i really dont have the time or energy to do it...i'm glad abbey got that base covered :) i have absolutely wonderful memories from the trip. i wont ever forget them. Lyds and I frequently quote something from the trip to eachother - then pause with smiles on our faces as we think of our precious Abbey.

now, i know MANY of you have asked to see pics...well, there are HUNDREDS. and they all require commentary...i'm thinking we should just try to show them to everyone in one go - altho i dont know HOW exactly that could work. ideas?

I learned 3 important things while in Italy:

- I am loved unconditionally by the most beautiful girls in the world

- I HAVE and DO help my friends...my experiences and past have shaped me into such a person that CAN and DOES help/support others. I’ve finally (hopefully) let go of my stubborn idea that I can ONLY help people who are going thru hardships that I have faced in my life…

- even though Abbey and Lydia are more mature, wiser, and have wider vocabularies than me…I’m bigger and stronger than them! MWAHAHA!!!

P.S. Thida and i committed to doing hip-hop classes at clubs and socs this semester...she signed up on monday - which is when i was SUPPOSED to sign up. weeelll, i didnt make it down there til wednesday...and there werent any spaces left!!! AHH!!! she's gonna KILL me DEAD! umm, yeah, its friday...and i still havent told her. I'M SCARED! crappers...when i dropped her in the ocean i then had to wear a pink shirt to church - wat if she makes me do something like that again? if any of you give her ideas, i will spit gum in your hair...you know i will...

...lost in Italy...

2005-07-04T08:51:00.000+12:00

sorry its been SO long since i've posted! my plan was to blog consistently while in Italy...but that plan was abndoned after day 1...why? because there are too many sites to see, good food to eat, and wonderful wine to drink...

we dont really have any time left for anything other than sleeping...its great :)

i really have been having a fun and relaxing time with my girls in Italy...its been a dream come true - i cant truly grasp its reality even now...i will be sooo sad to leave. i dont want to say bye to abbey!!! i'm just trying super hard to not think about that right now. instead, i am savouring every moment the three of us have together so i can remember it always.

i dunno, i really wish my sister and mom were here too. its one of the first major times (beside christmas, etc.) that i've realised that my parents are ACTUALLY divorced now. its like "DAMN! it actually happened...i'm NOT gonna wake up from this dream." its totally weird to be on such an awesome vacation without my whole family. usually if one of my family members is missing when we're on vacation - its my dad...not my mom or sister! my sister would have LOVED Florence...i cant wait for her to visit there someday. she should sell her art on the street with everyone else...people would actually buy hers! and my mom would LOVE Tuscany and Venice...i want to come back to venice with my mom someday...i'm alreayd trying to convince her to move to tuscany...ahhh...

of course, tomorrow is monday...and the next day is tuesday july 5th...which means my 21st birthday. i feel really sad already that my mom wont get to share it with me on the actual day. i know she is totally heart-broken over it. but at least i get to spend 3 days with her when i get back and we can do a birthday dinner together. i do wish she were here tho. but i got my girls. and my dad and grandad. it is rather miraculous to be spending my 21st bday with my dad...my sister didnt get to. he has been very loving this trip - although sometimes not showing it in a sensitive way. good thing i've got abbey here to interpret my dad's attempts at showing me he cares! he does care...thats why my jabs about Latvia and Annesse have been limited to about 3 per day...unless i've had a couple glasses of wine...

...ohh yeah...got my uni grades...yep. that was fun. only a couple tears. got a shitload of work to do second semester in order to get into 4th year...damn...shitload of working my ass off...achievable tho. especially if it is indeed God's will. we shall see.

hope you are all having relaxing breaks...and remember...Jared IS a LEGEND. give him a BIG hug if you see him...he's awesome (of course, Bib is even more awesome...cant let his ego get TOO big now...)

WOO!!! IN ROME BABY!!!

2005-06-24T22:45:00.000+12:00

i wrote an entire post on lyds laptop...was gonna upload it at this internet cafe - but these stupid comps wont let us do it...

so you will just have to wait til i have time to re-write it all...poor you! i know you are all frickin jealous! haha

we are both havin an awesome time already...cant wait for Abbey to get here!

my skill to BS returns...

2005-06-17T14:26:00.000+12:00

...and it's a glorious day because of it!

ok, here's the haps...i had my sensation and perception exam this morning...now, it would have been a good exam IF i had managed to read over the material more than once - sooo, it was a bitch of an exam that went ok. i am, however, proud of myself. why?

who knew that i could write an essay based SOLELY on the information given to me in 5 multi choice questions...yes, thats right. i wrote an essay on synaesthesia with the only prior knowledge being the definition...it was great. it was wonderful. in other circumstances, i would have FREAKED OUT - but not this time. i had a whole hour to do it...so i sat there...and sat there...and formed my argument around the 5 questions i had previously answered in the long-ass mcq section. some may say this was risky - connsidering i *could* have gotten those mcq questions wrong...but i say NO...it was ingenious! i used to be awesome at BSing essays in high school, but my skill took a major decline last year...now its back baby! i could feel the BS just flowing from my mind (and hand) as i wrote. it was glorious.

of course, i realise that i probably wont get many marks for that essay...who the hell cares - i got thru it :)

yep. now i'm gonna go home and hide from mike columbo...he's stalking me cos i havent turned in a form. damn forms! there's too many freakin forms in this world! poor trees...

...in 5 days i'll be on a plane to italy...YAY!!!

...at least i didnt cry...

2005-06-16T10:24:00.000+12:00

ok, so i've had my CLASSIC airport moments...having people STARE at me while i cry in LAX was a little scarring - but DUDE, those were for damn good reasons! this time, however...there was NO need to make a scene. i didnt want to make a scene - thus, i'm VERY thankful i didnt cry (yay for numbness!). we just did the "hug at least a dozen times before walking away" thing...like seriously, people thought we were *weird*...ohhh well...SIX DAYS IS A DAMN LONG TIME!!!

and thats all i have to say about that.

ohh yeah...i can now definitely vouch for the brand Sharpie - they aint lying when they say their permanent pens are PERMANENT...i've scrubbed and scrubbed - but to no avail. i'm kinda thinking it was NOT the best idea to write all up my arm in black...hmm...

riiiight...

2005-06-10T22:24:00.000+12:00

...thats my response to anyone that tells me I’m gonna do well on my quantitative methods exam...

Statistics is from the devil…so I say – SEND IT BACK TO HELL!!!

I know, I know…”Em, you might not be having such problems studying for it if you had actually gone to your lectures”…that’s bullshit man! Those lectures only ever sent me to sleep…I never learned anything. this way works better – I prefer me as a teacher…much more fun than stupid jeff miller…ugh! Damn monotone people!

Ya know what tho? No matter how I go on the exam tomorrow morning – I will be able to say that I studied for it…that I did my best under the circumstances. NO! as pastor mike would say, doing your best does not transcend circumstances…no point in saying “if only I had gone to class” or “if only I had studied more” – doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m studying now – and I’m giving it my ALL now. I’m giving it my best right now – and I will tomorrow as well. That’s what matters – that’s what God cares about. I’m fighting off all the temptations to give up…I’m fighting the temptations to FREAK OUT and lose control…I’m keeping myself composed and studying hard – albeit, only because Lyds has been here to support me TREMENDOUSLY (whoa, that was a HUGE word to put in caps – some kind of a record I bet!). praise God for my friends. And, my sister gave me a pep-talk on the phone today – I bet she doesn’t even know that it helped…it helped SOOO much. There are just some things that a sister says that totally tug at your heart strings…and her telling me that she “believes in me” is one of those things – it encouraged me a lot to hear that my sister is right there behind me, cheering me on…especially since I have so many damn people (and bloody institutions) in front of me telling me to just give up. Yay for having wonderful sister and friends!

Holy crap, this was a super surprisingly positive blog…I thought I would complain for ages about how I’m gonna crap out on my exam – but, God seemed to have stepped in and given me faith…and hope…and trust. Oh baby…

...cos Louise TOLD me to blog...

2005-06-07T11:20:00.000+12:00

Yes, I AM gonna sell my car. I’m frickin sick of getting pulled over! I’ve been saying for like a year how I deserve to get pulled over and get a ticket…but this is frickin ridiculous – cos they DON’T ever give me a ticket…I don’t even have to try anymore…they just let me off. Is it something about me? Do they just feel sorry for me or something? My favourite was tonight – the policeman said he’ll save me money…yes, cos you can tell that I’m BARELY scraping by when you just look at my car…heh…

Anyways…I accidentally hung up on HER the other night…it was horrible cos I didn’t even mean to do it…if I’m gonna be spiteful, I should at least be able to enjoy the related spiteful intentions, etc.! ugh!

Study? AHHH!!!!!! NOOO!!!!!!

I’ve done NONE…my first exam is Saturday…holy crap, I’m screwed! I cant even force myself to start studying for it cos I’m just TOO damn scared. Like, I don’t want to study cos then I’ll have a stress breakdown when I realise how much I need to learn in such a little amount of time. I predict that reality will hit me either today or Wednesday…I’ll keep ya posted.

Not much has been happening in my world lately – well, not much that I feel like talking or writing about. I’m just riding with the waves right now…not fighting against them at the moment…

email woes...

2005-06-01T11:52:00.000+12:00

in passing, Lyds and i commented on how we both would have VERY low self-esteem if we based people loving us on the amount of emails we got...well...ITS TRUE!!!

i guess its just me - but i dont exactly get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside when i check my email in the morning and only have ONE...from amazon.com...thats just saaad!

...have i mentioned that i loooove mail? emails make me happy :) not getting them makes me sad :( hmm, my moods are quite flippant, arent they? yep. i'm a regular see-saw of emotions...huh, do they even call it a see-saw in this country? who cares...NZers should all conform to MY ways!

yay - i finally get my car back on friday! then i can start searching for a new one...well, not a *new* one, but a different one...no more turbo, man...noooo more turbo!

just jump...wait, dont

2005-05-30T14:31:00.000+12:00

OH MAN!!! its just NOT fair...

Lydia and I were in Wanaka...we had JUST bought our disposable cameras...it's 11:30am and we're doing the jump at 12pm...we call for the final weather check, but we see no point cos its a wonderful clear day...

BUT IT WAS TOO FLIPPIN WINDY!!!!

its just not fair. we had gotten ourselves ALL hyped up to go sky diving. we had HARDLY slept in anticipation...we were totally ready (even had a spare pair of underwear and pants - just in case). but NO. too windy.

BOO!!!

sooo, we came back to dunnas and went to Sam and Jane's party for a bit - which was fun, but we were TIRED...so we made (ok, Lyds made) a fire and toasted marshmallows :) damn this country for not having graham crackers! psshhh...not cool.

COUNTDOWN: 22 DAYS TIL ITALY

troubled heart

2005-05-26T12:15:00.000+12:00

a screaming man falls to his knees
his broken heart inflicts the pain
he's withdrawn, no one knows his name
one mistake, now he's lost in shame

amidst the pain, you're not alone
though you cant see through the haze
his eyes of love are staring down
and he feels your troubled heart

yes it's true, that someone cares
your perfect friend, never leaving you
strength is gone and you're feeling cold
you will know the truth that he told

by your grace you repair the broken pieces within
somehow you take a man
and make something more out of him

-Kutless

Ezekiel 34:16
Psalm 10:1
Psalm 13:1-2

...when one is reduced to the words of others in order to express one's own state of mind...what depth is lower than this? for some, there is none...

...wrote this last night...

2005-05-25T12:11:00.000+12:00

391 texts in 2 weeks…CRAP!!! That’s gonna be like 800 texts this month - AHH!!! That’s not cool man…so not cool!

I guess I’m just really popular…or needy…huh.

Ok, its been a while gang – sorry I keep doing this. I don’t seem to find the time (or motivation) to blog on the weekends…let alone UGLY MONDAYS…so Tuesday it is again :)

My dad visited on Saturday…yep, a quick trip…but that’s my dad. It was real good to see him, talk with him, and have fun with him. I had fun. It made me feel a lot better about our relationship too. I expressed everything I wanted to, and he was sensitively receptive and open. It was good. I wish I could have spent more time with him, but he’s a busy boy – with 3 companies giving him hassles and all…he was telling me all the problems – and I tell ya, I was NOT regretting my decision to not follow in my dad’s footsteps…thank God. I couldn’t handle the crap he’s handling – give me bipolar, suicidal schizo’s any day of the week man. Hell yeah. Ohhh, we saw star wars together…our bonding thing is quite often movies – who else is he gonna see action movies with?!? And we looked at a LOT of art together…which really should be something he does wit my sister cos I get bored waaay too quickly if its not like famous or something…don’t worry, I WONT be bored in Italy tho – yay for all the famous history! I’m all about that kinda art and crap.

What else happened this past weekend? Not much…except that I got Gilmore Girls (aka GG) season 3!!! WOO!!! Have I told you about my LOVE AFFAIR with amazon.com??? oh yeah baby! Of course, I’m now in a HUGE predicament…I live on dundas street. Lyds lives up a huge-ass hill (noo…MOUNTAIN). I ALWAYS drive from my flat to her flat – so the hill and distance used to make no difference to me…however, things have changed…my car is getting fixed this week – all I have to get me around are my damn legs. AHH!!!! why did I leave GG at her flat?!? WHY?!? SO STUPID! I really wanna watch a couple episodes tonight…so I’m gonna have to WALK up to her flat. One word: CRAP.

I think I’ve used ‘crap’ quite a bit in this post. Oh well.

Riiight, last night was missions life nite…it was “who wants to be a missionary”. Of course, who else would be the host – only Sam could do it. I don’t know why *I* was the assistant tho…probably cos of my superior math skills! Or, cos Nic wanted to win the CE betting pool about when I would turn up to an event dressed in something other than jeans (or b-ball clothes)! Just kidding…I don’t think CE condones gambling - much…Heh, Sam seemed quite proud of himself for his “witty” puns and jokes. I admit, he made me laugh :)…except for the cracks about women and me being a “lass with sass”. Psshhh, sounds like something my dad would say – yeah, I’m sassy…what ya gonna do about it? bring it!

Ya know whats exciting??? I ran my last participant through my experiment today!!! WOO!!! Hopefully my results will be good…please…I’ll be working on that crap research paper while on the planes (yes, that was plural!) to Italy. Some of my best work is done on planes...they help me think – or maybe the altitude clears my mind or something…YAY FOR ITALY!!!!!

the cloud that never clears

2005-05-20T21:28:00.000+12:00

I just sit and watch...as the world passes me by.

will anyone ever notice?

will anyone ever care?

not today...or tonight...but maybe tomorrow.

maybe someday.

I fear that people can sometimes glimpse behind my mask...that, for some reason, my mask momentarily becomes transparent and everyone can see through me. that's when the pointing and laughing begins. so I do the only possible thing - I join in. I find a mirror, I point, I laugh...but I laugh not in mocking humour - rather, my laugh replaces a cry. for who would laugh at their greatest enemy? not I...for I remember what happened the last time I did that...

r-r-r-random...

2005-05-19T12:27:00.000+12:00

AHH!!!! what is WRONG with me???

wait...dont answer that...

"if you knew what was good for you, then you'd lock me up and throw away the key..." gotta love MXPX :)

nah, nothin is wrong wit me. I'm doing really good actually. I know, I know - it has taken me off-guard too! there's really only ONE possible reason for me being "together" and joyful - except for my crazy pills (haha, jk)...GOD...yep. need I say more? nope.

plans for the weekend? umm...MY DADDY is coming down on saturday! i'm such a little kid...or rather, i'm such a daddy's little princess - I'm not a big advocate of princesses tho, so I'll say daddy's little GIRL. I think it might have something to do with me being KINDA tom-boyish...well, apparently my pajamas are boyish...psshhh, you would wear basketball clothes pj's too if you had a dresser full of them! plus, i look REALLY COOL in my basketball clothes - I'm so black, I could kiss myself. ohh look, an inappropriate comment...huh...

I've been making some rather inappropriate comments lately...like, its one thing to make an inappropriate comment in the company of close friends who share the same humor as me...but its another, totally different thing to say inappropriate things in other situations - *ahem*...camp...birthday desserts...pretty much any social gathering. man, people might get the impression that I'm crazy...or worse - they might think I'm selfish! heh. nah, my comments havent been too bad...its not like I constantly make drug references - unlike *some* people I know...

walking in confidence

2005-05-16T12:21:00.000+12:00

so how did No-Man Camp go? well, Yas and I are really happy with the way things went...we were bothed nervous/stressed at the beginning, and there were some last minute rushes...but everything ended up going totally smoothly (hello...my car even made it there and back!). come on, we even managed to enjoy ourselves :) I cant really believe its already over! heh.

so what did we do at camp? well, we hung out and ate YUMMY food. we made tshirts - which, by the way, we totally have to do *that* AGAIN cos those girls got talent! heh, I still havent actually done mine yet...oops. the shirts are real cool - all of them say No-Man Camp '05 somewhere and have something to do with our theme..."walking in confidence"...ohhh man, God showed up on saturday. we did some gooood worship, led by our awesome No-Man Camp worship team. then we had a real good talk from Leslie Gill about having confidence in the Lord and stuff. she was definitely the right choice - Yas and I felt sooo good about it...good job, God.

yeah, mad props to God for making camp happen and then showing up big time! all the glory goes to Him. it wouldnt have happened if He hadnt led the way. and seriously, the thing I enjoyed the most about camp was getting to do it with Yas. she's incredible. I already knew that...but now I KNOW it EVEN more. I had moments of great anxiety on friday late arvo about things I thought we had forgotten - but she had remembered them ALL and already taken care of 'em...that's just one example of how she's crazy incredible! again, good job, God.

also, thanks so much to everyone who helped out (esp. Lyds and Nic) :)

the time has come...for No-Man Camp!

2005-05-13T12:37:00.000+12:00

I didnt mean to leave that previous post up top for this long...but I've had nothing to say. plus, I've been sooo frickin busy that I've hardly had time to change my underwear in the mornings!

for those of you who are going...are ya excited bout No-Man Camp???? YEAH BABY!!! WOOO!!!!! YAY!!!!! I really think its gonna be awesome...hopefully :) we're short one car - so I'm gonna SLOWLY drive out there in my beat-up car. when i say slowly, I mean SLOWLY...cos there's a good chance of it over-heating due to the crack in the inter-cooler. nonetheless, I shall rely on God to keep my car safely running. I'm pretty sure he can handle it :) yeah, my car isnt getting fixed til May 23 cos they have to wait for the parts and stuff...and who knows how long it will take them to actually fix it - probably a couple weeks. UGH! wat a mess. wat a stupid mess! ohhh wellll.

ok, so I went shopping last night for camp...had to get the tshirts...I found Lyds hiding in my bed, so I took her with me. well, *that* was a HUGE MISTAKE! never again. NEVER AGAIN, I SAY! we were both reeaaalllly tired - unfortunately for her, I was the only one on an adrenaline rush. basically, she wasnt "all together there"...as in, her words were slurring (haha) and she kept asking the SAME QUESTIONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I'd be like, "Ok, so we just need to get 3 more mediums, right?"...and she would be like, "Yeah, we just need 5 more smalls." WHAT THE?!? it was sooo funny. she couldnt keep the same train of thought for more than, seriously, like 5 seconds. I must admit, tho, that I wasnt much better...we were just confusing eachother SO much...so, we took a little break. let me set the scene...we're in the Warehouse. we're sitting on the floor, there's tshirts strewn across the floor and shelves in front of us...and Lyds is holding my hand, telling me "its all gonna be ok"...when an old lady who works there comes up and asks, "is everything ok?". I swear, a little bit of pee came out! it would have looked SO WEIRD. so weird. but, SO FUNNY. man, it was hard to keep a straight face and not lose myself in laughter at that point.

I just cant believe we made it to Yas' flat without any serious injuries AND with the tshirts! mwahaha! such pros. heh, poor Yas then had to deal with the BOTH of us while we did the food shopping :)

ohhh, embarrassing story of the week (well, the appropriate embarrassing story anyway) - it isnt that bad actually... I was in my sensation and perception lecture yesterday afternoon. I was exhausted and bored, sitting in the way back corner. the lecturer turned the lights off to show some slides, so I decided to rest my eyes...next thing I knew, i had woken myself up by making a little noise (perhaps a LITTLE snore...i'm not sure)...and I had drooled...yep, i fell asleep AND drooled - in class. go me!

The world is against me

2005-05-11T09:49:00.000+12:00

I am standing here, fighting with all my strength. But my strength is not enough. It will never be enough. Constantly I am knocked down. As I lay flat on my face, I lose all hope. The lashes on my back are drenched in vinegar. The wounds in my heart are ripped open with knives. My soul calls out for relief from the agony, but death does not hear my cry. Then, a ray of light strikes my face. Something within me rises up and takes control. I no longer yearn for bitter relief in death, but for sweet victory instead. So, I pick myself up; and I seem lighter than I remember. I look beside me, and there are people helping me. They are carrying some of the weight – the weight of my broken and burdened bones. Again I stand strong, with passion and hope as my weapons of defense. However, they will not be enough to fight off the mob. Never enough. For, just as I was cast down before, I shall be cast down again. I shall be pushed. I shall fall. Maybe one day I’ll actually jump. All I know for certain is this – my uprightness never lasts for long. In the face of disaster, I stumble along for a distance…then crawl…then, before I know it, I’m laying prostrate again…my face in the mud…my soul in hell…my heart amidst broken glass in a pool of blood. I hear the shouts around me. I know what they are chanting. Lines of shame and songs of death emerge from their mouths of superiority. Daggers of guilt and pain they thrust into my back. I cry out, but again, death does not hear me.

When will death finally turn his ear to me? When will I be taken from this pattern of pain, this whirlwind of confusion?

When?

When I decide to give up my pride and stubbornness. When I relinquish all control of the uncontrollable. When I no longer cry out to death, but rather to the light of life. In that day, my God will hear me. He is waiting, listening patiently, for my very first cry to Him – and in that moment, He will rescue me.

Psalm 147:3

2005-05-08T17:07:00.000+12:00

do you find it hard to NOT care what others think? do you ever get so wrapped up in the image others have of you that you forget the truth? what about those of us who claim not to care what others think, but secretly hurt when others dont have a "pretty" picture of us?

yeah, it IS a pride thing. and no matter who you are, you struggle with pride too - its the root of ALL evil (I wont argue this point. if you disagree, take it up with C.S. Lewis!).

I'm not one who tries to display a facade that nothing's wrong, but I *do* try to conceal most of my crap...yeah, sure, I write about some of my shit on my blog - but when most people (most people=everyone except a select FEW) see me in daily life, I'll say "i'm good"...I'll smile and laugh. why? cos I want people to think I'm a nice, have-it-all-together" person? nah, I couldnt pull that off even if I tried. here's why I dont show much emotional manifestation of my "tough" times: 1). I want to have fun, and it sometimes seems easier to do that when people dont know whats REALLY going on. 2). I want to smile and laugh, and its easier to do this if I ignore my issues. 3). I dont want to make myself vulnerable by disclosing my weaknesses, pains, and trials. 4). I dont want to make anyone uncomfortable - lotsa people have this perception of me as "not serious" or "funny"...which kinda locks me in the box of trying to always be, um, animated...

however, it doesnt matter how hyper I am around people - I still manage to obtain a slightly negative reputation (I KNOW! it may shock some of you...). might be the sarcasm. might be the crude bluntness. might just be cos of the shit I've been thru in my life. if its cos of my personality - then I couldnt give an ass (I think...I hope!). however, if its cos of personal struggles or life circumstances, present or past - then it totally hurts...yeah, I've had struggles - BUT GOD STILL LOVES ME. He is proud of me. He approves of me. He wants to spend time with me...so do some of my friends as well :)

so who the hell cares what everyone else thinks

God made me this way for a reason - His glory. thats all that matters to me

maybe

2005-05-06T09:18:00.000+12:00

so I'm "studying" to become a clinical psychologist...but I'm absolutely USELESS in situations where someone needs support - let alone advice! I *AM* CHANDLER! I spit out some lame-ass joke or somethin inappropriately sarcastic. "Oh, I'm not good with this stuff. Monica usually gives the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"...THATS ME!

...MOST people dont pay good money for psychological services and expect to be treated with sarcasm and attempts at humour...

so what does this mean? well, I can already imagine the comments that my post will evoke - such crap as: "but you are good at supporting people"...*AHEM*...dont lie peeps. oooh! or: "its cool that you make people laugh when they're upset"...yeah, cos THAT will help patients to get through their suicidal thoughts! SO, what does this all mean??? there are various things/events/people in my life right now that are FORCING me to re-think my dreams/passions/goals...MAYBE I'm NOT supposed to do clinical psychology. MAYBE its NOT God's will for my life. MAYBE I *should* drop out of honours. MAYBE I *should* "take a break". MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE...i dont know. its not that I've lost hope - I still have priceless hope...i just know that its more than sheer doubt that is plaguing my heart, soul, and mind - how can it be mere doubt when there is evidence to support such stipulations? this is the problem here, no one can refute the fact that evidence supports the idea that I *wont* make it...that I will fail. but thats ok, I can ignore all that (umm...have been for a while now!) IF i KNOW that this *is* God's will for me...yeah yeah, I know I still have a lot of work to do - a long way to go and stuff - but shouldnt i be at least on my way? am i on my way? i dont feel like i am. i feel like i'm struggling just to stay standing strong...cant even imagine actually moving forward. psshhh...

moving on...i just checked how many texts i have sent - HOLY FRICKIN CRAP! ya know how its 500 texts for $10 wit telelcom? weeellll, as of last evening, i've sent 685!!! CRAP! i have to last until MONDAY...thats it, I'm limiting my texting...psshhh, who am i kidding - that aint gonna happen. see, the thing is this - 500 texts per month means you can send 16 texts per day...but I send MORE than 16 texts daily - TO LYDIA ALONE! AHAHA! i dont really have a clue as to how this problem is gonna get solved...oooh! maybe i should get ANOTHER telecom phone - and one cell phone can be for texting Lyds and one can be for texting everyone else! hehe. how sad.

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

ruthless trust

2005-05-05T09:20:00.000+12:00

I realise that my posts have been severely lacking meaty content lately...and for this, I'm sorry. who am I apologising to? well, to myself...to the intellectual and emotional side of me that thirsts for this stuff. how could I possibly dwell in the land of the living, under the shadow of His wing, if I dont let myself? I have to allow myself to be expressive and honest - and trust that God will protect me...I want to learn humility. how? by being honest. AA's definition of humility: "stark, raving honesty". Brennan Manning describes the humble heart as "not fearing being exposed"...which brings me to integrity. I've been told in the past that I display integrity - but I never understood truly what that meant. now I do...and I know its sooo not true. but, I want it to be.

"God speaks to the deepest strata of our souls, into our self-hatred and shame, our narcissism, and takes us through the night into the daylight of his truth."

faith + hope = trust

the list that NEVER ends...

2005-05-04T09:36:00.000+12:00

so...I'm a SLICER - cos i slice the ball in golf (for you uncultured folk, that means i hit it to the right)

ALSO...

Lyds and I are both SMASHERS...

why?

weeelllll...Monday night - leaders meeting thingy at church - we both smashed things! Lyds smashed a bowl - like it just SMASHED to bits dude...of course, it was TECHNICALLY my fault cos i pushed her. but wateva.

then...my smasher incident...i wonder how far its spread already and how many people will already know this...I crashed my car - OH! that makes me a CRASHER too! crap...the list NEVER ends!!! ya know that NASTY turn on the same street as church? yep...there. i took the corner too quickly, lost traction in the back wheels - and thus ALL control of my car...spun out...did a 180...smashed into a parked car and ended up on da curb (so did da other car). UGH! ok, i know i usually make loud, embarrassing scenes (yeah yeah, the "loud American"), but this was a little bit bigger than the average ruckus i make...it was quite the spectacle. of course, i just sat in my car STUNNED...Lyds and Yas were my heroes and did the responsible thing of finding the other car's owner and getting details...i think i would have just sat there and cried if they hadnt been there...seriously. i love my peeps so much - they save my ass all the time!

sooo...yeah...lets talk about something FUN - ooohhh!!! ITALY!!! I have decided (after some prodding from Lyds) to start getting EXCITED about going to Italy in june/july...I know, i know...*some* people are surprised that i'm still gonna go with my dad after ALL that has happened...but i say - SCREW HIM, I WANNA GO TO ITALY! i know, the level of respect i have for him is insane...insanely LOW...but we aint goin there now. YAY FOR ITALY! its gonna be totally awesome dude...two of my closest friends will be there, plus my grandad is gonna come down from England :)

i got nothin to say thats not superficial...after a brief break from the cold on sunday night - i woke up monday morning to another week of frosty ice...NUMB NUMB NUMB...its all i got to offer! cool...

so close...but yet so far...

2005-05-02T09:09:00.000+12:00

do you ever have those experiences where the ONLY causal explanation is the SINGLE explanation you dont want to believe...or didnt think was possible?

I come so close to the edge sometimes. I'm looking over it, judging how far the distance to the bottom is...I'm gaining up the courage to jump...then someone grabs me from behind and hugs me. this person has no clue I was about to jump...but God knew. He knew - and He cared enough to prompt someone to grab me...and hug me...and show me love.

the warmth from such unconditional love is what melts my icy heart

sometimes that calming, loving, Godly peace comes from friends who sit with you...who wait with you...and pray for you...and scratch your back...

I cant even begin to fathom what things would be like if God hadnt blessed me with such wonderful friends...I dont want to ever find out...

All Alone

2005-04-30T16:23:00.000+12:00

Icy chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

If you would change your perspective
You'd see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it's hard to bear
I'd be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

-Kutless

paper towel

2005-04-27T20:10:00.000+12:00

ok, so there's this christmas Family Guy episode:

Peter accidentally gives ALL the presents away, so they have to go last-minute shopping to buy more presents...and there are only really crap things to buy that close to christmas...meanwhile, at home, Brian forgets to take the turkey outta the oven, and almost the entire house burns down...

Peter and the kids think christmas is ruined cos they have hardly any presents...then they get home and complain that christmas is totally ruined cos their house has burned down...but Louis is all optimistic, saying they can still salvage christmas - just get her the paper towels and she'll clean the mess up - and everything will be okay...

but they dont have any paper towels...

so Louis FREAKS OUT - goes CRAZY...ends up at the top of one of those HUGE christmas trees that like NY city has...and they have to shoot her down with a tranquilizer gun...

...this evening, when my sister's boyfriend came over - he brought us a roll of paper towel...

Rory: "How's it going"
Lorelai: "Tranquil..."
Rory: "Good, I'm..."
Lorelai: "...izers would be helpful!"

are you free to fight?

2005-04-26T23:48:00.000+12:00

I'm tired. I've grown weary. I feel as though I've lived most of my life in darkness. Every so often I see a glimpse of light - a single ray shines through. But instantly it's taken away. Or, I emerge from the dark cave, into the sunlight, only to be forced back into the cave again.

But what really is this darkness?

Could it be the "shadow of His wing"? Maybe God is letting me endure a certain type of darkness whilst He shields me from other darkness. Maybe His shadow guides me. Maybe it's a good thing that I cannot see what lies before me - perhaps darkness is less scary. Or maybe I'm not ready for the light...

God turns darkness into light....2 Samuel 22:29

trust that daybreak WILL come...Psalm 30:5

blind faith? no - it's called night faith.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
-Goo Goo Dolls

FUCK A DUCK!

2005-04-24T14:00:00.000+12:00

I know, I know...I totally shouldnt be writing while in this state...but I gotta get it out somehow man!!! YOU DONT KNOW!!!

she's a gold-digging, manipulative bitch who planned this...only happens on TV? YEAH RIGHT...welcome to MY life...take a seat, its a free FUCKING soap opera!

soo, I HAD taken steps forward, and was doing well with emotions and stuff...I could actually feel - could actually cry...BUT NO MORE - I am definitely NUMB again. thats what UTTER SHOCK does to a person...makes them crawl back into their shell or cage or whatever. woo.

its all a DAMN JOKE...I laugh cos I'm too shit-scared to do anything else...

does this post scare some of you? well, dont be scared. I'm ok. I would tell ya what's going on...but I cant even believe it myself...DENIAL is surely to be my best friend for the immediate future (or longer...)

YAY! I have internet again!

2005-04-22T19:53:00.000+12:00

I have spent 2 days at home with NO internet...SOOO painful...but, it has finally been restored to me :)

I guess I should at least mention yesterday...had my op for my skin cancer - blah blah blah...it went as expected, which was the best it could have gone. now I've got some cool blue stitches on my cheek (3 stitches, so that gives ya an idea of how big/small it is)...woo...dont worry, my defensive sarcasm HAS kicked in, so I'm all good.

whoa...just had a frightening thought - what if the stitches were pink?!? Praise God they are blue...

well, now that I've mentioned pink, I might as well continue on that topic...I've come to the conclusion that there actually *are* people who fit stereotypes. huh, this may not be along the lines of pink to you, the readers, but it makes sense to me...alrighty, so I have been doing well lately, tryin real hard, not to believe the stereotpyes that are burned into my mind. in the US, it seems as tho ALL of one's social life revolves around stereotypes - and no one ever question whether people ACTUALLY fit these stereotypes...since coming here, I've been working on breaking this horrible habit. I want to give *certain* types of people the benefit of the doubt - assume that they are the OPPOSITE of what my American sterotype tells me...but, I have hit a brick wall in my journey...because there *are* people who fit those horrible stereotypes. and worse yet - they also exhibit the matching stereotypical behaviours...

as I'm sure some of you are wondering...I'm blogging cos I'm excited by the mere ability to do so...and, I'm bored. well, not bored in the usual sense. bored in MY own way. there's really no point in trying to explain. bottom line is that things are different when I'm home...quieter + less socially active = more opportunity to reflect. but will I seize this opportunity? ugh...

one of my close friends, someone my heart grieves for, mentioned something to me a little while ago. I dunno if she realised the significance of these words - or if she even remembers them at all...they have grabbed and embraced me. they have taught and given me hope. I only wish that I could inspire and lift her up like she does to me...

scars are wounds that have been healed

...so simple, yet so incomprehensible...

"Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded...On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honours, but for scars."

"To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness."

ugh...

2005-04-18T18:14:00.000+12:00

I'm sorry...I cant blog...dont know how long this will last...

I was apologising just as much to myself as I was to you guys.

ohhh...13...

2005-04-14T12:12:00.000+12:00

I will NOT let my dreams go. I will not bend over and let my ass be kicked. I CAN do this - because God has blessed the passion in my heart and soul. it will take a LOT of humility and hard work...but my resolution has been renewed. God has made me capable of all that has been set before me - I cant lose HOPE. thats where I lost it yesterday...I thought my HOPE had been crushed. but it wasnt. God is powerful and magnificent. He is miraculous - I know He will get me thru this...for His good. for His glory...

blonde moment of the week: locking yourself out of your lab (whilst all your stuff is inside)...when a participant is waiting outside to do your experiment...having to humble yourself and ask the office for a tech guy to let you in...whilst wearing your new Golf Punk tshirt that says, "its a shame that stupidity isnt painful"...psshhh...i appreciate the humourous side...

Now something’s different
The times oh they have changed
The love’s the same
Yet emotion’s running dry

It doesn’t feel the same
And I’m feeling down
Amidst my pain

I see all my shame
And I’m feeling dry
But who am I to complain
Who am I to complain

I’m still free
You’ve set me free

-Kutless

...crazy...

2005-04-12T16:34:00.000+12:00

I guess things are not how they used to be
There's no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like it's World War III
No one cares, no one's there
I guess we're all just too damn busy
And money's our first priority
It doesn't make sense to me

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on?
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong

-Simple Plan

crazy pills and favourite white pills

2005-04-11T14:13:00.000+12:00

why are you bloggin when you have TONS of work you SHOULD be doing?

...cos I cant be assed readin a gay article on evolution...

sooo, i'm gonna entertain myself with the happenings of my EXCITING life...

had my developmental psych test on thursday morning...then fell asleep...and awoke when Abbey called me. of course, i subsequently missed my lecture cos i was on da phone. oops! and didnt do my hw cos i had been too busy studying for my test...oops! sooo, i rewarded my guilt by hangin out with Jane that afternoon :) I dont really think i can talk about our "funny" story...read her blog, she did a good job re-enacting it

on friday, I didnt get my lazy ass outta bed til...wait for it...1 PM - I KNOW! it was great. thats what BLACKING out da room and turning da alarm off does to a NON-morning person...YAY! soo, i didnt really get much accomplished that day :) that night, I hung out with Lyds...shocker...we went out to dessert (AH! I ALWAYS get confused as to whether its dessert or desert!!!) with Carmi, so that was fetch...heh...I felt bad tho, cos I kept Lyds up til like 1am...and she had to be at church by 8am saturday mornin! WARNING: do NOT hang out with me at night if you have an early start...I will NOT respect the idea of haivng a "bed-time"...aint in my nature...

oooh, guess what we made on saturday night!!! PUPPY CHOW! mmm...addictive and heavenly...yeah, it was sooo gooood. of course, Lyds got ALL emotional cos it was her first time making it without Abbey...I was gonna put on a texan accent to make her feel better, but I *actually* have SOME dignity left...shuddup...I DO!

OMG, gilmore girls is starting to piss me off..."innocent" Rory breaks up a flippin marriage?!?! what the!?!? buuut, I ENJOY the Luke and Lorelai moments...yep, he's a white guy that I would consider...ooh ooh...before GG, we burned Carmi's old slippers - MWAHAHA!!! pyromaniacs rock...ohh yeah, and before that, Lyds and I went clothes shopping for me. yes, quite the experience...psshhh, now she knows for next time NOT to ask me any specific questions about what I'm looking for...the answer to "what type of pants do you want?" will ALWAYS be "I dunno". the answer to most any fashion-related question will ALWAYS be "I dunno". heh, it was fun :) especially when she DROPPED a plate stand right in front of the sales-woman...I swear, a little bit of pee came out...

...soo, I guess everyone wants to know how my quantitative methods test went this morning?!? NO?!?! TOO BAD! it was funny...i didnt study cos it was open-book...HA! well, after 3 minutes of reading the confusing question, I pick up my calculator to start working it out...BUT NO! it WONT FRICKIN TURN ON!!! I freaked...the damn thing wouldnt turn on...so, I told the woman who was in charge, and her helpful respons was: "shit! dont panic"...THANKS LADY! after a couple minutes of SWEATING MY ASS OFF, someone produces a spare calculator. PRAISE THE LORD...but, guess what...this is the BEST part...right as she hands me the spare calculator, *MY* calculator TURNS ON!!! OH COME ON! it was soo unbelievable...it was sooo freaky...so I didnt "perform" too well on the test. YOU would FREAK too!!! you would be SCARRED too! cracks me up tho. it really does...that was very catcher-in-the-rye-ish of me...psshhh...

first day of MY experiment - WOO!

...Ephesians...

2005-04-09T14:55:00.000+12:00

As the dark forces close in and threaten to defeat, a wave of utter fear flows through the men. Some run for shelter; some fall to the ground in anguish; but, some courageous men remain standing firm with truth and righteousness. These few brave soldiers deny the spirit of intimidation entry into their hearts, yet their knees quake and their souls scream. They know this could be the end. This could be the battle that glorifies their faith. Or, this battle could make their souls decide to close the door to freedom and run the other way.

Flaming arrows fly past their chests. Swinging swords and stabbing knifes cut their vulnerable flesh. The clouds open up and pour down upon their heads. A stunning rainbow emerges…and their faith is renewed. Their hope and trust are restored. So the valiant soldiers fight together, each man sacrificing his own body in order to protect the man next to him. When one man falls, his brothers pick him up. When one turns to flee, his brothers lend him their shields of faith and lift their Spirit-filled swords to fight for him. Their resolution is strong: letting darkness overcome the glorious light is not an option. They will fight the hidden demons until the very end.

The clouds disperse, and the heavens open up. The sun appears more vibrant than ever before…and light crushes the evil, dark forces. The brave men have become conquerors because of the power of the sun. The battle between light and dark has once more been decided…peace and glory prevails again...

...may angels lead you in...

2005-04-06T19:21:00.000+12:00

Mel: "I'm not into guys at the moment"
Me: "umm...."
Mel: "NO! I'm not into girls either!"
Me: "so you're asexual?"
Mel: "yeah"

I usually dont begin my blogs with quotes...but that was definitely a worthy headliner!

sooo, I've gotten a lot of comments (in REAL life) from people (rather than my imaginary, furry friends) about how funny my blog is...while I *am* really flattered by their seemingly unfounded desire to please me (or keep my anger at bay...), it kinda SUX to have this pressure on me now...what happens when (its not really an "if" thing) I'm not funny? what if I lose my neuroticism? will my blog become extinct to readers other than myself? (yes, I read my own blog after I've written it...). I now make a conscious effort to be entertaining at the least...but, I'm NOT! dont you people understand that I'm an INTROVERT?!?! yeah yeah, some of you have ONLY ever seen me when I'm hyper...but there's this whole other intellectual, introspective side of me - and, in the past 2-3 months, its been drowned out by my sarcastic, attention-seeking self...of course, some of you know this - I feel as tho I'm reminding myself just as much as I'm reminding you guys...I've said things along these lines before - about how I dont feel truthful to myself if I dont write in my journal, etc...well, I guess its true for my blog. I feel like I've been putting on this totally stupid mask by keeping my blog so superficial the past couple weeks...DUDE, my life is NOT superficial!!!

I guess I'm kinda bored of just writing about my day and the funny, embarrassing things that happen...I want to be known for more than "funny" stories...

my mom sold our house, as I've mentioned...and she bought another house on the North Shore...how do I feel about it? totally and utterly bummed...I really wanted her to move back to America and start "a new life". but, that wont be happening. I just dont see the point in staying where she is - there's no motivation for her to change, to get "better". I know she's only staying in NZ cos I'm down here and my sister wants to stay as well...what about her tho? why doesnt she want to do what's best for her? is this what's best for her? I dont think it is, but who am I to say that?!? she HAS come a long way, but she still has quite a ways to go...pray...I know...

whoa, this blog is gonna be FULL of BRUTAL honesty...I'm still feeling completely NUMB inside. I feel nothing. absolutely nothing...its all been pushed down as far as possible - then covered up wiht HUGE layers of anger, sarcasm, and denial. what am I covering up? ohh, wouldnt we all like to know...damn, wouldnt I like to know how to dig it all up! its really NICE not to be all emotional and stuff...but it starts to weigh you down after a while...and it SUX. BLAH!!!

...another thing I've been SORTA thinking about - swearing...me cussing, cussing in my music, etc...I dunno.

I never thought I would be so blessed as to have such wonderful friends...such amazing friends who love me unconditionally...its incredible how faithful He is...saved me, a wounded soldier, with His unending GRACE and LOVE. magnificent.

this is all in vain...treading water...just to drown in the end...

Naive
Immaculate
Cute
Easy

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

...it takes my pain away...

pink sux

2005-04-04T14:51:00.000+12:00

...I dont even know where to start...

got some goood work done on saturday. BUT, I had some even better fun...

ok, as my punishment for dropping thida in the ocean, I had to wear a PINK shirt to church yesterday morning...weeellll, since I obviously DONT have one, I was gonna borrow one...but Lyds had the most perfect idea...to buy a cheap one and then ceremonially burn it - I KNOW!!! she's sooo smart! omg, we found a HIDEOUS bright, strong pink polo shirt at Kmart...and ended up only paying ONE DOLLAR for it...seriously, it was ridiculous...of course, I had to "model" it at her flat on saturday night - I was pretty much in a ball on her kitchen floor screaming...as you can imagine...hmm, I especially freaked out when Carmi licked my cheek...

saturday night was interesting....veeeryyy interesting. some people MAY regret some of the things they said - because I remember them and plan on quoting them...MWAHAHA!!! the boys had a "party" downstairs...so that was fun, for a while...Lyds and I were forced to retreat back upstairs...well, ya see, I was just making an ass of myself - bein all hyper and immature. Carmi and I started fighting over who is more black-on-the-inside...Lyds and I had a Lynx war - which I won - because I ran away...Louise became the SLAPPER...and Sam. oh Sam. poor poor Sam. he took both Lyds and I on...we pretty much had a three-way wrestling match on his bed (btw, pun was definitely intended there). he is freakishly strong...I tried to use Lyds as a shield from the Lynx he was spraying, but I still got some in my mouth - so I just wiped (oook...licked...) that off on Lyds shirt...

...we WILL get Sam back...HELL YEAH WE WILL!

Mike Reeves: "you both smell like guys"
Me: "You like that, dont ya?"

Dan: "...so I'm full of testosterone" (nope...not gonna explain it...hehehe)

Sam: "Are you ready to be violated again?"

sooo, Sunday morning...wore the damn pink shirt to church...but Lyds and I had written PINK SUX on the back :) it was grrreaat!!! Thida pretty much crapped herself...she was a little *too* happy bout me wearing an evil pink shirt. duuude! like everyone kept saying "oh, it suits you so much!"...NOT EVEN FUNNY!!! everyone got a kick out of it...havent been checked out that much in a looong time...ohh yeah, and the dirty Anglican came to churhc with Thida (umm, her bf Malcolm). he had lunch with us as well...I let my tongue slip a couple times - ah well. I dont think he went home and cried...too much.

YAY for the ceremonial burning last night!!! we got it on tape :) it was super...wonderful...made me sooo happy!!! we used Sam's Lynx as the blow-torch and sent that pink devil right back to hell...FANTASTIC!

...gotta lighten up on those sexual jokes tho...

shhhh....

2005-04-02T12:56:00.000+12:00

...dont tell Lyds that I'm blogging...heh, we're studying in the library - on a frickin saturday - I'm SO happy bout my new-found "desire" to study (grrr)...she'll "discipline" me if she finds out that I'm doing this instead of learning crap...

since I dont have links on my blog...which I'm now considering changing for situations exactly like this one...Abbey "interviewed" me about my blog - and its on her blog...so, if you live in a HOLE and dont know her blog address, its http://abigailsday.blogspot.com ...hmm, that probly only applies to my sister...heh...

question tho: do I REALLY use *strong* language in my blog?

I wasnt quite sure what was meant by "strong"...negative? passionate? hmm...I think I express strong opinions on my blog, and I CAN be a little harsh SOMETIMES...but I'm not rude and stuff...riiiight??? ahhh, just wondering wat you guys think - its interesting to hear how people perceive me and my crazy world. does my blog portray an accurate image of my personality? I wonder...something to think about - if I had the time...

sooo, I spent some time talking with Brent on thursday...he only laughed a little at me for forgetting everything he had told me :) hehe. its gonna be good having him teach me and stuff. I've already learned quite a bit about what its like to run an experiment, and I havent even started! buuut...the time is coming soon...too soon...

had my sensory and perception test yesterday...wooo....it was alright. wateva. its ova, I'm focusing on my next test (developmental psych on thursday). oooohhh, we got a heater for our flat!!! YAY!!! see, Rob and I are reeaaallll tight-asses when it comes to money (I dont really care, but its good practice for "the future")...so, we dont have heaters in our rooms - but now we have one in our lounge...of course, we cant use it until we buy a gas bottle. heh. flattin in dunedin is grrrreat. omg, saw Bridget Jones Diary 2 last night - at Yasmin's place...no one warned me about CERTAIN parts - AHAHAHA!!! I soooo had to BITE my tongue...duuude, lesbian moments always quick-start my crude humour...I was impressed with how many inappropriate jokes there were - it was hilarious...veeery difficult to keep myself composed...plus, they have a puppy at their flat, a CUTE little terrier (dont worry, Boo Boo Bear, she wasnt NEARLY as cute as you!!!)...but it was frickin scared of me - surprise, surprise. I picked it up and it totally freaked out. sooo, during the movie I stared at it, and pretended I was gonna jump at it, and it started growling/barking at me...then she got in trouble for barking - mwahaha! sucked in!

yep, last night was fun...I recommend saying YES if Lyds asks you on a date...but I doubt you'll be so lucky...hehehe

ghost in the attic...

2005-03-31T13:27:00.000+12:00

thats my new nickname - obviously obtained from my flatmates...thank you very much. ahhh, I love having the top room, cos I rarely have to worry bout people (and by people, I mean Rob) coming into my room and waking me up...like I do things beside sleep when I'm in my room! psshhh...I find it humorous when I come downstairs and the response is "ohh, so you *are* here!"...hehehe, its like having the superpower of being invisible. well, not really - but whatever.

I have a meeting with Brent soon...and I'm really not looking forward to it...I'm gonna look like such an idiot! I forgot everything he told me last week...hmm, maybe I should start to write things down instead of incessantly relying on my absent short-term memory...

not much has been happenin in my world. I studied HARD OUT monday and tuesday for my test tomorrow...sadly, I did NO study yesterday. I had a headache and subsequently spent the majority of the day sleeping...then I sat in front of the computer and/or tv last night...wooo...I'm exciting, arent I? yep.

10 ways to procrastinate effectively:

10. clean (unless you're me and everything is already spotless...HAHA, riiight)
9. cook (not that I've actually tried this one..)
8. workout
7. watch budget NZ television
6. write uninformative, insignificant emails
5. do all the "tests" from Abbey's blog...multiple times - until you get the description you want...
4. call mom and listen to her rant about how many guys are gonna slap my ass when I go to Italy...
3. look on Trademe personals for a boyfriend for my mom
2. give hot people LOW ratings and not-hot people HIGH ratings on hotornot.com
1. put your flatmate on hotornot.com....sshhhh...dont tell her!

...in my defense, Rob was "leading the way" with numbers 1, 2, and 3...ALL HIS IDEAS - I swear!

Easter...and all that stuff...

2005-03-28T18:03:00.000+12:00

I've actually been delaying writing on my blog since I got back from easter camp...I think its cos I'd rather not be alone with my thoughts. hence, my newfound discipline - I spent the WHOLE DAY in the library studying! I KNOW! it was an absolute first for me...another first - making Vietnamese spring rolls for lunch...mmm...yay for having Jen Lin as my friend! heh.

easter camp was pretty cool, I gotta say. I was reluctant to go cos I have so many tests and stuff coming up, but God (...thru Bib...) made me go...and I'm very glad I did. it was fuuun. we got assigned to cars - magically I was assigned to my own car...along with Thida, Peter (her flatmate), Rach B, and Jared C. this is all really irrelevant information...but its more for my memory than your enjoyment, so who the hell cares! we all stopped at Mauraki first...to see the boulders...memories of our first-year covert operation of stealing one of 'em came flooding back...sooo, I dont really remember WHY it happened - I only remember HOW. Thida and I were joking around, and I threatened to throw her in the ocean...so I picked her up and was walking backwards with her towards the water...I went a little tooo far, so when the wave started coming towards us - it was actually gonna reach us...I quickly started trying to run forward (while still carrying Thida as I didnt think to put her down so she could run herself)...when the inevitable happened - the water reached us, and my feet got covered...and I DROPPED Thida...I actually dropped her in the ocean! accidentally!!! I tried to hold on to her and save her...but I couldnt...and there's even photo evidence - which looks as tho I am pushing her into the water! ohhh my gosh - it was one of my biggest dropper moments ever!!!

...so Thida has given me a "task" to complete in order for the slate to be clean...its gonna be horrible! I know she's gonna take pictures as well...CRAP!

moooving on...we did a photo scavenger hunt thing on the drive up to Waimate...it was reeaaal fun, we got lots of awesome, funny pics...and a couple scary ones. well, one scaaary picture in particular. we stopped at a tearoom (our first mistake) and asked the guy inside if he was married cos we needed to take a picture with a husband...he was reeaaallly weird and didnt seem to grasp the concept. anyways, I go stand next to him to take the picture...and he grabbed me and put me on his knee!!! OMG!!! it was unbelievable! and he had his arm around me...ohhh man...I was freaking out - the picture proves it...EWWW!!! I dont like to think about it...altho, the picture of Thida pretending to piss in a urinal pretty much it alll worthwhile! yep, got some gooood pics.

things got pretty wild at camp...I came back with some mean new bruises. all worth it tho! I can now officially do the splits...thanks to indian leg wrestling - WOO! see, I'm hard to defeat cos I'm so flexible it just stretches my legs into the splits position...wasnt tooo comfortable tho. I beat Carmi - YAY! only once I think...but I kicked David P's butt at it! mwahaha! Carmi and I think Sam is so good at it cos he's shorter and therefore his muscles are all in one place, where as David's are spread out more...nevermind, it made sense at the time...yeaah, so there were lots of other fuuun things we did - got quite a workout. duuude, especially during the easter egg hunt - I know, we're sooo mature! the climax was when I was on the ground (well...mud actually), rolled up in a ball, clutching a sandal. I was defending the sandal with all my might as HOARDS (sp?) of people were scrapping for it...seriously...Carmi executed her plan for the ONLY way to save me - she laid on top of me...she actually BIT Jo's arm to get him away! weelll, it also helped when I screamed "someone just grabbed my breast!"...boy, does that make CE guys scatter quickly! I've never seen them move so fast...hehehe. altho that time I meant it when I screamed it, next time I'm gonna use it as part of my strategy to win - ohh yeaah, I've found a way to beat CE guys...mwahaha!

yeah, I've NEVER had to restrain myself soo much as when we "played" the dating game...I had to pretend to be a nudist...I know, shuddup...and the first question I got asked was "how would you describe a hot date?" - OH COME ON!!! I couldnt think of anything appropriate! Dan was laughing sooo hard cos he knew that I could ONLY think of crude comments...oohhh man, so many things I could have said if it werent a christian camp...psshhh...

Thida: "If I lived in America, I'd be fat!"

Me: "I think I'm gonna make up a black boyfriend for myself"
Thida: "Oh, how sad!"

Thida: "No Emma, refer to him as the dirty, albino, Anglican"
- *ahem* she was talking about her boyfriend Malcolm...

there were some other super funny quotes, but totally inappropriate - even for *my* blog. I was stoked to discover that Heather is black on the inside! YAY!!! woo, go us black-on-the-inside, white-on-the-outside folks...I know, I can be TOTALLY white sometimes, but I am still black on the inside...seriously. Thida said she'll do hip-hop classes with me, since I'm gonna need to learn how to dance well if I'm gonna get my black boyfriend...somehow I dont believe Thida's promise of only laughing at me during the first lesson...oooh! I wonder if Heather knows how to hip-hop dance - she could teach me! she wouldnt laugh tooo much...hmm...

I wish I could write some more honest, personal stuff on my blog - but I just havent been able to write anything like that lately...even in my journal...I'm feeling super numb inside (hm - nice oxymoron). I think its cos a lot of stuff has built up and I have continued my tendency to ignore and hide feelings...ugh...BUT, even tho I'm not *feeling*, I think I've made goood progress with God lately. He's seriously blessed me with some discipline (funny how He answers prayers...) - so I'm making the most of it baby! WOO!

a blog of blessings...

2005-03-24T18:55:00.000+12:00

I got an email today from the person who probly knows me the best (she actually knows the way I think!)...she just turned in her LAST paper...which means she's made it thru UCLA (more than made it, she got cum laude!), and I'm sooo proud of her. we've been thru a lot, her and I...a hell of a lot. its crazy to think where I would be if God hadnt blessed me with her...actually, its frickin scary to think bout that! she's the best...absolutely awesome...I just hope she realises it. I hope she knows how much she has influenced my life in wonderful ways. I am just sooo happy for her :)

you make mistakes...learn from them...and praise God for being utterly loving and gracious...

umm, I actually did work today - I KNOW! it was shocking...but I really didnt get much done cos I totally couldnt understand the articles that Brent gave me to read...I felt sooo dumb! I kept reading the same paragraphs over and over again, but they just werent making any sense...ugh! I'll keep trying...I *did* get half of my next stats assignment done tho - wooo! heh, its super short :) then, Rob dragged me away from the library so we could go see million dollar baby...I love empty theatres! yeaahh, we both REALLY enjoyed it. plus, it was just cool to spend time with my Robert...I'm glad he doesnt feel neglected anymore :) heh, his "friend" is coming down this weekend - I really hope I get to meet her when I get back from easter camp! but I have to be good...mwahaha...oooh, we had some good flat bonding last night - talked alll about how families suck! hehe. I didnt really contribute much cos the whole convo made me realise that there ARE others like me (and I really didnt want to "complain")...I already knew that, but it just doesnt feel like it sometimes. ugh! I'm such a pigeon...I learn so slowly! I just mean that reminders are nice. well, not NICE...helpful. yes, helpful is the word I was looking for...

sooo my mom accepted an offer on the house...which means she now has to decide where in the world (literally) she is gonna move...CRAP! talk about looong, stressful conversations! buuut, I shall be good - a polite, respectful daughter I'm becoming...hey, God is all-powerful, He can accomplish anything!

I'm disappointed that I havent had an opportunity to use "psshhh" in this post...sooo, I'm just gonna randomly use it...

pssshhhhh.....

ahhh, that makes me feel better :)

my mommy tells me I'm 'special'...

2005-03-23T13:27:00.000+12:00

there's sooo much that I *could* write about, but I really dont feel like boring you...or myself for that matter...

apparently Boo Boo Bear was a total hero the other day...he chased away a cat! you may not understand the ultimate importance of this defeat, BUT I DO - he's my braaave boy :) I'm so proud of him! I'm gonna send him a present so he knows that I'm proud of him and missing him. dont ask wat I'm sending him, it will most likely scare you...well, mostly it would make me look even crazier...

o wow, I actually did my stats homework! I KNOW! I'm very happy about it. it was a struggle to do it...Lyds had to stop counting the number of times I sighed while doing it...its just SO BORING! I get so ADHD when trying to do stats. hmm, thats interesting how ADHD is now used like an adjective to describe a mental/emotional state. that happens a lot - e.g. gay, retarded, etc. how sad. maybe I shouldnt say those words in such negative contexts...

okkk, so as soon as I get things "right" with one of my parents, things get screwed up with my other one...I really dont like the cyclical pattern thats been established as of late...yeaaah, my mom called me yesterday and we had a reeaaalllly good talk :) she seems to be doing a lot better and realising some really good stuff. I'm really glad about it, and proud of her. yet, I find it SUPER difficult to muster up more than the slightest amount of hope about the situation - cos I'm tired of my hope getting crushed...I guess thats part of it all tho...moving on to my other parental figure - my dad. yesterday I sent him a sarcastic text - "thanks for calling me" - cos he hadnt called me in a week (wen he promised to call me in a couple days)...as you might remember, he's in europe with HER (which makes it even more important for him to call me, to show that he DOES care about me...even when he's spending time with HER). so, he calls me shortly after I sent the text...he apologised for not callin sooner...he said he really had "no excuse" - aka he was having fun with HER and was too busy to call me - aka she's priority number ONE...what can I say - I'm not surprised. it didnt even hurt cos I'm so used to it...NUMB would be the correct word...

moving on...I spent some time with Brent (my supervisor...memorise this NOW cos I'm gonna stop reminding you who he is). we had to go over some stuff that was saved on my pen-drive...and there were pics of Boo Boo on there as well...as you can imagine, Brent had a look at those. heh, he asked where I grew up in Cali, so I answered Orange County (duh)...his response: "I'm sorry, that sucks!" AHAHA! someone who understands! his wife, Tamar (another lecturer in the Psych department), grew up in the OC as well...wow...so, he knows ALL about how frickin horrible it is (sesspool (sp?) of shite...)! wooo...annywho, I handed in the ethics form for my experiment! exciting! I hung out with him and his PhD student for a while - moving furniture and screens around in the lab to create the "right atmosphere" :) riiight, funny story. his PhD student is the one who takes care of the pigeons and weighs them everyday...so I watched her do it (cos Brent may make me an RA, which means I would get paid to do stuff like that)...and we're talking about this and that...then, she mentions how she had a good laugh about Brent reading my blog - omg! he really enjoys telling people that story apparently...haha, have a laugh about that...THEN, she mentions how *she* actually read my blog too. heh. BUT, she didnt get the address from Brent. ohh no, she didnt. she linked to my blog from someone else's blog! FREAKY, SMALL-WORLD DUNEDIN! aaaand, it turns out she's in the mountain bike club with my friend Lauren...should probly tell you guys who she is, shouldnt I? welll, she wandered over from Sam's blog, and her name is Celia. she seems real cool. crazy. just my kinda person :) I'm thinkin I'm gonna have tons of fun in the lab this year...Brent was right! hehehe. God thing? yeeaaahhh baby!

it makes me wonder who else reads my blog...sensoring is still NOT an option tho :)

ohh, I met with Yasmin yesterday to plan No-Man Camp...wooo! yeah man, its gonna be fun. buuut first, we have Easter camp this weekend - yay! I think it will be totally awesome to be surrounded by Christians for 2 days after the past rollercoaster ride I (and others) have been on! hopefully I dont get socially drained or burned out...that *can* happen...I know it may shock those of you who think I'm always loud and hyper...

...the whole "I'm not gonna bore you by writing needless stuff" thing didnt really work, did it? ooops.

btw (*ahem* Bling Bling), FUNNER is NOT a word...dont use it around me, it PISSES ME OFF! its horrible, I can hardly stand to have written it...obsessive compulsive...heh, NOT ME!

another gloomy monday

2005-03-21T12:01:00.000+12:00

some characteristics of true friends:

-COURAGE to tell you when you're screwing up

-STRENGTH to catch you when you fall

-TRUST (in God) to walk away

-LOVE...no matter what...pure loving words and actions

the past week has been a rollercoaster...hell yeah...its been AWESOME...I know some of you are like "what the?!? awesome? have you been living in a hole again?!?"...well, I can honestly say that I take JOY in the hardships of the past week, for God has shown how magnificently amazing He is through it all. He has shown that there IS purpose in my life - that He has NOT forgotten me. He has worked in me and some of those closest to me...how could I do anything BUT stand in awe of that faithfulness? of that love and grace? ohh yeah baby!

had Emilie's 21st party saturday night, which was goood...then Jen Lin had the priviledge of driving MY car - I KNOW! thats how much I trust her man! sunday was good...I'm glad I've committed to doing school of leaders with Bib - its good for me...psshhh, who needs a guy when I got COFFEE!?!? those thoughts are related in my head. hm. anywaays, got the video done for Abbey on sunday afternoon - WOOO!!!! omg, sooo embarrassing - but at least, by the end of it all, I was actually able to watch (and thus hear) myself on screen...quite the improvement. I'm sooo glad I got Lyds to do lots of embarrassing stuff too - oh, what a friend! haha. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP SAM!!! YOU ROCK!!! especially since you havent hassled me at all about the *ahem* praying bit...you have amazing self-control! you can teach me...

...I cant wait til life group tonight...our package from Abbey arrived this morning! YAY! hehe...package..."look at my package!" - ahaha! I havent watched 28 Days in aaages. that and Happy Gilmore are on my "must watch *again* SOON" list. did you guys figure out those influctions? its hard to type what I'm thinking sometimes...ok, a lot of the time actually.

...can only find 12...crap

2005-03-19T15:42:00.000+13:00

nooo more....I say it again: NO MORE.

I've seen glimpses of my past self in the world lately...and its scary. I cant believe I used to be like that...I've changed so much, come so far - and I praise my God. He alone brought me through the storms...through the deserts...lifted me from the bottom of the ravine and placed me in a field of green pastures. He alone put the pieces back together...restored parts of me that I had surely lost forever. He alone loved me when I had driven all others away...held me when I was broken and bleeding.

He brought hope and purpose into my life...He broke the chains and set me free.

...kneel at the Cross of Freedom...